


higher heights to shallow breaths

by montecarlos



Category: Formula E RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Wings, Angst, Gen, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Racing, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2018-12-12 02:22:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montecarlos/pseuds/montecarlos
Summary: Why didn’t he have wings?It was a simple enough question but one that so far had remained unanswered. Robin was one of the unlucky ones, the ones considered different.





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to post this until it was completed, but the thing is almost at 13k and I can't post it all in one go so here's the first part. I've really enjoyed writing this so far, I always have adored wing fic and always wanted to write something like this. Edit created by me. Title from 'Take My Breath Away' by Alesso. Big thanks to Kim for much of the input into this.  
> Enjoy :)

                                        

* * *

 

  
  
_The winged gene has been in human biology for years. First discovered in 1958, the gene which causes this phenomenon, named HoXD-12, is similar to the gene that originated in birds. Both genes rewrite biology and cause wings to grow, causing muscles to grow to support the weight of the wings and lightened bone density to occur. The gene began as a mutation and is evident throughout history. The angels written of the Bible were more likely to be the first people in which the mutated gene manifested. The humans who carried the gene were known as ‘volare’. The gene is dominant and over time, volare have become part of human society. It is now much rarer for a child not to be a volare and possess the gene. Humans who do not have wings are often ostracised by other members of society and are deemed ‘wingless’.  There is no definitive cause as to why the gene does not present itself in wingless humans._

 _There is no definitive time for wings to develop, but the majority of humans begin growing wings between the ages of two and five. The wings, known as ‘buds’ at this stage, need excessive nutrition and rest in order to leech energy and grow successfully. Therefore, it is logical for them to begin development in the juvenile stage. Around this time, the human experiences rapid tiredness and a ravenous appetite. The affected area where the wings will grow will begin to itch and become painful to the touch. Most humans will have developed wings by the time they reach the age of seventeen._  
_  
Wings can come in an array of different colours - from jet black and sable brown to the more outlandish navy and bright pinks. The rarest colour still is white with only 0.5% of the human population possessing them._

Robin closes the book and sighed heavily, allowing the book to fall onto the floor of his bedroom. It didn’t matter how much he read around the subject, the books he examined never seemed to answer the question he wanted answering.  
_  
_ _Why didn’t he have wings?_

It was a simple enough question but one that so far had remained unanswered. Robin was one of the unlucky ones, the ones considered different. He did not develop wing buds when he was a toddler and his back remained smooth and wingless. His parents looked in vain for any sign of the wing buds that they were certain would develop, as they did on his elder sister and brother. But they never appeared. Robin started school at the age of four and had immediately felt out of place in the colourful room. His teacher, Miss Jansen, had possessed beautiful periwinkle blue wings that spanned the length of her back and she had looked at him with such sorrow in her blue eyes. His classmates all possessed tiny wings - almost like cherubs - in an array of colours.  The first few years at school seemed to go by in a colourful haze and the other children seem almost protective of Robin and his wingless state.  
  
“Don’t be mean to Robin, they just haven’t grown yet!” They’d declare as Robin would stare at their growing wings, with tears pricking up in the corners of his eyes.  
  
He was sent to the doctor when he was six but it was to no avail. The elderly man poked and prodded Robin’s back, swabbed his mouth for some reason and merely stated that he was a “late bloomer,”.  The test results came back to show that Robin did possess the winged gene, which gave hope to his parents. Robin’s mother seemed to take the doctor’s words as law and checked Robin’s back every morning for any sign of the tiny wing buds that had still not appeared. He’d often laid in bed late at night, his blue eyes fixed on his mother’s dark red wings and his father’s tawny brown ones, and asked when he would grow his own.  
  
Robin grew older and still the wings made no appearance. The confusion over his wingless appearance soon gave way to ridicule. Robin soon got used to the sniggers and the whispers.  
  
“Wingless freak!”  
  
“Hey Frijns, what’s it like being damned?”  
  
He’d read about that, of course - that those without wings were damned, that they are demons of a sort, cursed to live out their lives ridiculed and mocked for being different. Robin tried to cling to the fact that he did have the winged gene. He tries to imagine himself with wings, tries to imagine what colour they’d be - if they’d be a natural colour like his father or a brighter colour like his mother. His elder brother had forest green wings and his sister had developed tawny brown just like their fathers. Robin soon sported bruises on his pale skin from the shoves of his winged peers which he hid under layers of loose clothing and often would spend his lunchtimes in the library hunched over stories of wingless humans like himself. Robin immersed himself in the stories of the people who were like himself, who were considered freaks because of what they did not possess. He tried to ignore the negative attention he received, tried to wipe away the tears from the corner of his eyes as he gazed at himself in the bathroom mirror, wishing that he had wings, wishing that he looked the same as everyone else.

* * *

  
Robin soon found something he could channel himself into - something in which being wingless is somewhat of an advantage. Karting is something Robin gets into by accident, one of his father’s friends owned some Porsches and by some miracle, Robin ended up at some karting event with his father. His father had been apprehensive of letting his youngest son get into a petrol filled kart, and showcasing off his lack of appendages. But the young Robin had an advantage that the other kart drivers did not. His lack of wings - and therefore, lack of weight - made him faster, faster than most. Robin found himself a hobby, or so his parents had thought. They had indulged him - buying him his own kart when he won a championship - and it was this that Robin clung to in those dark days of school. The comments about his wingless status and the sniggers didn’t matter when he was in his kart. It was just him and the machine, with no added weight of wings behind him. Robin was soon winning championships at the weekends and that took away some of the pain that he had to endure when he traipsed back into school on the Monday morning.  
  
“Still no wings Frijns?”  
  
Robin thinks only of the shiny trophy that is currently on his bedside table, the one that meant the world to him. It means more than any wings, anything that the people in his school say to him. His mind isn’t on his school subjects - on the important test in his Dutch lesson that morning or the paper he needs to submit in his science class. He’s focused on the weekend ahead, on possibly winning another trophy. The other drivers didn’t really notice his lack of wings - it was the norm that all the drivers competed with their wings tucked back into the safety of the slits on their back so Robin felt somewhat at home with the other drivers in their wingless state. However, there would be times when his fellow peers would walk around the garage with their wings on display in their special overalls - the ones that all drivers used that had a velcro opening on the back to allow for the wings to protrude out of when the drivers weren’t in their karts. Robin got a pair himself - orange, like his Dutch nationality - and ensured that there was a velcro opening on the back. The opening ensured that the others never asked questions.  
  
Robin is sixteen when he leaves school behind. He’s glad of it in a way - his mother is upset at first, but he placates her by enrolling in a college a town away. He doesn’t want to follow the people he went to school with to the same college. College is slightly easier, he doesn’t get the same remarks that he did back in school. He ends up studying physics at college but the lure of karting proves too much and by the end of the first year, he’s had enough of education. He drops out of college and devotes himself to karting. His wingless status allows him to propel him up the field, the lack of weight from a fully grown pair of wings is somewhat of an advantage and Robin is soon driving cars in Formula BMW. He still tries to ignore his lack of wings, still wearing his overalls with the wing slot velcroed into the back. It’s there that he meets Dani Juncadella - a Spanish driver who possesses beautiful dark auburn wings that match his hair. Dani is a fun guy to be around, always laughing and joking and he never asks about Robin’s wings. There’s a few times when they share the podium - the one place that usually drivers allow their wings to come out - and Robin finds himself looking at the dark auburn wings of the Spaniard and wonders what it feels like to possess such things.  
  
He ends up coming third in the overall championship - a position he is proud of, not bad for a rookie who doesn’t possess any wings.  
  
“Congratulations, Frienz! You couldn’t beat me though!” Dani teases, grabbing Robin and pulling him into a hug. Robin laughs, his face resting against Dani’s shoulder. But he feels Dani’s auburn feathers brushing against his waist and he stiffens at the contact.  
  
“You okay Frienz?” Dani asks, concern brushing over his features.  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Robin says with a smile on his face.  
  
Dani smiles back but it doesn’t quite reach his face.

* * *

  
  
He stays in Formula BMW for the next season, his eyes only fixated on the prize of first place. Dani leaves the series and Robin misses him somewhat, it’s not the same without the fun loving Spaniard in the paddock, the sunshine glinting off his dark auburn wings. However, although Dani is in another series, he manages to turn up to the first race in Barcelona.  
  
“Frienz!” The familiar warm Spanish accent blurts out as Robin is zipping up his overalls.  
  
“Dani, what are you doing here?” Robin asks, surprised to see the taller man in his garage. He accepts the hug warmly, glancing at Dani’s wings shining in the Spanish sun.  
  
“Was just in the neighbourhood,” Dani flashes a bright white smile. “Nah, I’m kidding, just on break from Formula Three for a few weeks so I figured I’d come see you,”  
  
Robin feels his cheeks ignite at Dani’s words. “How’s Formula Three?”  
  
“Yet to get my first win, it’s so much harder when you’re not there to push me, but Ant tries his best,”  
  
“Ant?” Robin asks, puzzled.  
  
“Antonio Felix da Costa. He’s some hotshot Portuguese kid. He won Formula Renault last year and did some testing for Force India,”  
  
Robin nods once. He’s not heard of this Antonio guy before which is strange - usually within the paddock, he at least has heard of someone’s name but da Costa comes up a blank.  
  
“Anyway, I’ll be hanging around. You better win Frienz! I’m counting on you!” Dani says, parting with yet another hug before he disappears into the crowd.

* * *

 

Things don’t exactly go to plan for Robin as he’s shunted out by someone else’s car as he approaches a corner, sending him falling off into the gravel trap. He feels the pain ripple through his back and his feet as the side of his car slams into the Techpro barrier. 

Immediately, the voice of his racing engineer buzzes onto the radio. “Robin, you okay?”  
  
“Yeah, just winded,” Robin says, the pain twisting over his back. “My back is killing me though,”  
  
“Your back?”  
  
Before Robin can reply, the engineer starts yelling something to the team about ensuring that Robin’s wings aren’t broken before he returns to the radio.   

“Robin, just stay where you are. The stewards are on their way to get you out, just sit tight and keep talking. The deceleration sensors have come on in the car so the medical team are coming,”  
  
Robin sighs heavily, his heart still racing. He tries not to think about the background chatter of worrying over Robin’s wings - the wings that don’t exist. The medical team are with him in a flash, stabilising his neck and back and managing to prise him free of the car with no problems. Everyone seems to blur together as he’s placed into a medical car, all strapped up in case there’s any injury to his back, and he’s sent to the medical centre.  
  
Robin hates the medical centre - it’s too stark, too sterile and white. The lights always seem to give him a headache, no matter what circuit he’s at. He feels overly warm but the doctor places a blanket over him, his hands are warm against his cold, clammy skin. Josef, the manager of the team is there, standing over his bed with a look of worry.  
  
“He’s exhibiting the early stages of shock,” He hears the doctor say to Josef. “We’ll take some x-rays of his spine, neck and wings quickly to check for any fractures and then get some fluids in him,”  
  
_Wings_ . X-rays of his wings. Wings that the doctors will know do not exist.  
  
Robin bites down on his lip as the x-ray machine is lowered over his back and neck, flinching at the mechanical sounds that emit from the machine. The doctor behind the screen gives nothing away, his face stoic as the images appear on the screen before him. Thankfully, after five minutes, the procedure is over and Robin is returned to a bed in the centre.  
  
“Robin, what happened?” Josef asks, moving closer to the Dutchman.  
  
“I don’t know, I just moved inwards to avoid the grass and he didn’t leave me any space,” Robin says, shaking his head. “I’m fine though, probably just a few bruises,”  
  
“We have to be on the safe side,” Josef says. “Did they take x-rays?”  
  
“Yeah, of my back,” Robin says, biting his lip.  
  
Josef’s face pales at Robin’s words. “Don’t worry,” He says softly. “I’ll make sure that these x-rays are destroyed, nobody will know,”  
  
“Thank you,” Robin says gratefully as Josef leaves the room.  
  
“You’re still a little cold-” The nurse appears from nowhere with a bag of saline, a needle packet in her hand.  
  
“I’m fine-” Robin begins but he’s interrupted by the sting of a needle into his left arm. He bites down on his lip as he watches the nurse look down at him with what he suspects is a sympathetic smile. However, the fluids do make him feel a little better, although the headache from the lights still lingers for a while. He thinks about the x-rays - he knows he should worry about any potential fractures which could rule him out of the race, but he fixates on the fact that his secret probably will be uncovered.  
  
“Frienz!” A familiar voice cuts through his thoughts and he finds himself smiling at the sight of Dani standing in the doorway.  
  
“Dani-”  
  
“What happened, dude?” Dani says, moving closer to Robin as the nurses finishes checking on the needle and the bag before she leaves the room.  
  
“Some guy being a complete idiot,” Robin says, shaking his head. “I’m fine though, my back hurt at first but it’s fine now-”  
  
Dani is about to reply when he hears angry raised voices outside the room. “Mr Kaufmann! The stewards and the race director must at least know of Mr Frijns’s condition,”  
  
Dani raises an eyebrow and glances at Robin who can feel his cheeks burn pink. He knows what they’re arguing about - he knows that the doctor must have found the lack of wing bones on the x-ray. Robin had never told anyone but Josef about his wingless condition.  
  
“The race director must know, Mr Kaufmann. It is not to make Mr Frijns feel bad. It is to allow for the proper procedures to be put in place. After all, Mr Frijns has a weight advantage-”  
  
“A few kilograms would hardly make much of a difference,”  
  
“On the contrary, wings consist of muscle, bone and tissue. Each one weighs at least 100lbs. That’s 200lb that Mr Frijns already doesn’t have when he steps into the car-”  
  
Dani’s green-hazel eyes lock on Robin, his gaze moving to glance behind Robin’s back, at the blank space of pillows and the Dutchman watches the heart-wrenching moment of the realisation clicking into place.  
  
“Dani-” Robin begins just as the doctor marches into the room, x-ray in hand. Robin can see his ribs and spine in the photo, but as expected, there are no wing bones overlying the structure. Robin worries on his lip as the doctor gazes over at Robin.  
  
“Mr Frijns-”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Robin says, feeling a few inches tall. “I didn’t mean to lie about it. I have the gene, but they just - never grew-” He says, looking down at the blue blanket lying over his legs. He doesn’t want to look at the three people in the room - at their wings stretching proudly over their backs. They never would understand the pain and anguish he experienced, knowing that he would never have what they had. “I hid it all my life - I - I got the overalls because it was easier to pretend I had them. I never used the weight to my advantage-”  
  
Silence brushes over the entire room before the doctor clears his throat. “Well, the good news is that you haven’t suffered any fractures and you seem to have a little more colour in your cheeks now,” He pauses for a moment. “However, I will have to contact the race director about your status. Your records indicated that you were a volare,”  
  
“He has the gene,” Josef pipes up, still looking angry. “He didn’t lie about that. He carries the gene, so technically he is a volare. He just never grew wings. I didn’t know that growing wings made you a volare,”  
  
“It doesn’t, Mr Kaufmann. But there’s variations - we call everyone the term because everyone with the gene has wings-”  
  
Robin flinches at the doctor’s words and Dani moves closer to him, his eyes fixed on Robin. Robin looks away, tears stinging at the corner of his eyes. “I will have to report this to the race director, Robin,” The doctor says softly. “He has to know the truth,”  
  
Robin nods once, tears falling down his cheeks. The doctor dismisses himself after that. Josef glances at the heartbroken young man still curled up in the bed before him, sorrow filling his heart. “I’m going to fight your case, Robin. I promise,” He says softly before following the doctor out. Silence spreads out between Robin and Dani for a moment until Robin can bare it no longer. The tears fall silently down his face and his shoulders begin to shake with sobs.  
  
“Robin-” Dani says softly, moving closer to the Dutchman. “Robin, it’s okay-”  
  
“If you want to leave, I understand. I’m nothing b-but a freak-” Robin says, looking down at his legs. “Just a wingless f-freak-”  
  
“You’re not a freak, Robin,” Dani says, shaking his head, as he grabs onto Robin’s shaking hand and squeezes it tightly. “You’re far from it,”  
  
“I’ve never had them. I don’t know what it feels like to have t-them,” Robin says quietly.  
  
“You deserve them more than some of those fuckers who walk around like they’re God’s gift. You’re rarer and more special than they are. Don’t think you’re worth less than them because of what you don’t have, it’s what you do have that matters,”  
  
Silence swirls over the two men for a moment before Robin glances at Dani with tear filled eyes. “You’re not angry?”  
  
“Why would I be angry?” Dani asks in confusion.  
  
“For not telling the truth,”  
  
“Dude, why would I be angry?” Dani says, shaking his head. “I understand why you did it but it hurts why you feel the need to hide something like that - but I do understand why,”  
  
Robin sniffles a little. “But you’re not angry?”  
  
Dani moves forward and captures Robin in a tight hug, wary of the needle still in his arm providing the fluids he needs. “Never, I’d never be angry at you for something like that. But I am sorry I had to find out this way,”  
  
“Not your fault,” Robin says, his head resting against the crook of Dani’s shoulder. “Dani?”  
  
“Si?” Dani says, his hand rubbing slowly over Robin’s back.  
  
“Will you keep my secret?” Robin says in a small voice.  
  
“Always,” Dani says without hesitation. Robin knows immediately, as he’s wrapped up in Dani’s arms, that he can trust the Spaniard, that he won’t breathe a word to anyone. Strangely, a weight that was on his chest seems to lift at Dani’s words and Robin feels a smile brush over his lips as Dani strokes his back.  
  
Maybe things could get better.

* * *

  
  
Dani keeps his promise as Robin goes on to win the Formula BMW series with ease before he moves onto Formula Renault 2.0. Dani sometimes turns up to races, he’s a welcoming addition to the paddock and to Robin’s garage. However, such victory in the classes he’s in soon catches the eye - the eye of a bigger giant in racing. Josef calls Robin into his office late after a race with a grave look on his face. Robin expects the worst - expects that Josef is going to inform him that the company is going into liquidation or something - but it’s not.  
  
“Red Bull want you to test their car,”  
  
“What?” Robin asks after he’s finished picking his jaw up off the floor.  
  
“Red Bull, they asked for your services,” Josef says carefully, his tone is measured.  
  
“But why?” Robin says, face full of confusion.  
  
“Because you’re a brilliant driver, Robin. They think that having you testing the car would be an immense benefit,” Josef says, raising an eyebrow.  
  
And it’s after this that Robin finds himself in the famous navy blue overalls of Red Bull Racing. He glances down at the tiny Dutch flag and the R.Frijns that decorate the patch over his stomach and wonders if he’s dreaming. He can hardly believe that he - the boy with no wings - is testing a Formula One car for the first time. However, he’s not alone.  
  
He finally meets the elusive Antonio Felix da Costa on the second day of testing. He’s heard plenty about the Portuguese man from Dani but Ant is a completely different person than he was expecting. Ant is intelligent, witty and possesses an excellent sense of humour. He isn’t bad on the eye either - light gold skin, dark brown eyes, chocolate brown hair that seems to have a life of its own and the beautiful navy blue wings that stretch across the expanse of his back. He actually meets Ant in a strange way as he’s so fixated on the data folder in his hands that display the last readouts from his laps that he doesn’t realise there’s someone standing in his path and bumps into something soft.  
  
“Hey, watch out-” A voice that somehow sounds familiar pipes up and Robin stares into dark brown eyes. “Hey, you’re Robin,” A smile immediately ghosts over his face. “I’ve heard all about you from Dani,”  
  
“Good things I hope,” Robin replies, watching Ant’s wings carefully curve along the expanse of his back, poking out through the velcro slots.

“Dani never says good things, you know that,” Ant says and they both begin laughing. The awkwardness that was built between them begins to melt away.

* * *

  
  
“So how did you end up here?” Ant asks on the third day they’re testing together - they’re stuck in the back of the garage as the rain falls down in sheets. His wings are tucked up behind his back and he’s drinking a can of Red Bull. Robin finds his eyes drawn to the lighter feathers underneath - they seem to be a lighter blue and they look softer.  
  
“Just won a few lower formulas and never realised that Red Bull were watching. You?”  
  
“I’ve been with Red Bull for a long time, they sponsored my lower formula drives,” Ant says, finishing off his can. “I’m hoping that this opportunity will get me into Formula One,”  
  
“Into Toro Rosso?” Robin asks, his eyes still on Ant’s wings.  
  
“Hopefully, that’s the plan,” Ant says, nodding once. “Never wanted to do anything else, how about you?”  
  
“I never really thought of it,” Robin admits. “I don’t come from a racing family. I just thought about karting, and well, winning everything I could,” He fiddles with the zip of his overalls as he speaks, his lip caught between his teeth.  
  
“You’re cute,” Ant blurts out, before he realises what he just said and blush stains his cheeks. “I mean, you’re not like anyone I met before-”  
  
“You just...most people want to be the best, to step on whoever to get there, but you’re not like that,” Ant’s cheeks are still pink with blush. “I mean, you’re like Dani said you were. You’re well, you’re _different_ ,”  
  
“Is that a good thing?” Robin asks, his own cheeks flooded with colour.  
  
Ant is about to reply when one of the engineers calls his name and is pulled away from the back of the garage. Robin watches the wings slide back into Ant’s overalls as he slides on his red and green helmet in preparation for his run in the car. He can’t help but agree with Ant’s words - he is different, but not in the way that the Portuguese man expects. Ant’s words play over and over again in his mind.  
  
_You’re cute. You’re different._  
  
Robin wonders what Ant meant. He wants nothing more than for the Portuguese man to return and explain what he meant, if it were a good thing. But he can only watch as Ant climbs into the Red Bull car and it peels off out of the garage with its engine roaring. Robin wants to check Ant’s times on the screen to the side of him but he feels his eyelids growing heavy. He finds himself curling up on the couch in the back of the garage and his body surrenders to sleep, his eyes falling shut as he falls away into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

  
  
Ant returns to the garage an hour later. It felt good in the car - it was everything he had imagined it would be - just him and the car and the tarmac. He pulls off his helmet and deposits it on the shelf, before pulling off his balaclava. He pushes a hand through his sweaty hair as he throws his balaclava next to his helmet and moves towards the back of the garage.  
  
“Robin?” He calls out but he gets no answer.  
  
Brow furrowed in confusion, he moves closer to the couch at the back of the garage and sees Robin curled up on his side, fast asleep. The Dutchman looks almost peaceful as he sleeps, his dark eyelashes are fanned out and his lips are slightly parted. He shifts slightly, shivering in his sleep and Ant instinctively grabs his Red Bull jacket from the side and gently pulls it over the sleeping Dutchman.  
  
“Sleep tight,” He murmurs fondly, eyes ghosting over the pale freckles dotted over Robin’s cheeks and nose. Robin mumbles something in his sleep before burying himself further into the jacket, still in the throes of his comfortable sleep.

* * *

  
  
Robin worries his lip as he glances out of the garage entrance at the rain coming down in sheets. He instinctively pulls the jacket closer to his body and a whiff of Ant’s spicy cologne washes over him and he smiles. He’d woken up - cursing his body’s ability to sleep wherever it pleases - to find an unfamiliar jacket wrapped over his body like a blanket. His brow had furrowed in confusion as he had gently picked up the jacket from his body, it smelt slightly spicy, like cologne - and Robin had noticed the name inscribed on the lapel underneath the Red Bull logo.  
  
A. Felix Da Costa.  
  
Antonio had placed his jacket over him as he slept. His chest fills with warmth as his finger slides over the name stitched into the navy blue material. He had taken the jacket home with him that night with the intention of returning it in the morning, but when he’d woken up, it was cold and the rain was coming down in blankets. He’d opted to wear the jacket to the testing session and revelled in Ant’s scent curling around him as he made his way to the garage. He sees Ant standing over by the entrance of the garage, his wings are outstretched but they don’t look as bright in the early morning light.  
  
Robin approaches the Portuguese man tentatively. “Hey,” He says softly.  
  
Ant jumps a little about the noise, his wings ruffling slightly as though to protect him. “Hey,”  
  
“Thank you for the jacket,” Robin says, unzipping it slowly and beginning to prise it from his shoulders. “But I should get it back-”  
  
“Keep it,” Ant says softly, his brown eyes lock on Robin. “It suits you,”  
  
Robin feels the blush paint his cheeks. “Okay,” He replies, pushing the jacket back onto his shoulders. “Thank you,”  
  
“Don’t mention it,” Ant replies, a small smile playing on the corner of his lips as he glances at his name emblazoned across Robin’s breast. “You still look cold so you could use it more than me right now,”  
  
Robin feels a smile brush over his own lips at Ant’s answer, his chest is warm and he instinctively pulls the jacket closer.


	2. part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin gets a little drunk and some feelings rise to the surface, thanks to some shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you again to Kim for being the person who keeps me going with this fic. Edit by me. Enjoy! :)

  
                                 

* * *

  
“So I invited Robin,” Dani says, looking at Ant over the rim of his cup.  
  
“Why?” Ant furrows his brow. It’s been a few years since he last saw Robin - he’s had a hard time since Red Bull decided that he wasn’t for them - drifting between DTM and a new electric series called Formula E. He’s had an interesting start to say the least. He’s kept an eye on Robin since he parted ways with Red Bull - watching him go from Caterham to making a name for himself in Blancpain. He wonders how much the Dutchman has changed since they last saw each other in Red Bull attire.  
  
“To torture you!” Dani grins. “I’m kidding, we’re still great friends and he mentioned he was bored at home. Zolder isn’t that far from Maastricht, about a forty minute drive,”  
  
“Oh,” Ant says, worrying his lip.  
  
“Is that going to be a problem?” Dani says, his eyes shining. “I thought you liked him,”  
  
“I do - I just didn’t expect him to be here,” Ant murmurs, looking at his coffee. He thinks about the last time he met Robin - how he had smiled when Ant had draped his jacket over his shoulders - and he can feel the blush stain his cheeks.  
  
“António Maria de Mello Breyner Félix da Costa, is there something you're not telling me?”  
  
“Daniel Juncadella Pérez-Sala, go fuck yourself,” Ant murmurs, the blush still clinging to his cheeks.  
  
“Felix might not like me fucking myself,” Dani says, his brown eyes flashing.  
  
“Fuck off then,” Ant says with a smile as he sips on his latte.  
  
“So what’s going on with you and Dutch boy?”  
  
“Nothing,” Ant says.  
  
It’s the truth. They haven’t seen each other for years. Ant hid the little spark that he saw between them, knowing that nothing would come of it. There was no point in chasing something that would never happen. However, Dani has a look on his face that Ant has seen before. Mischief.  
  
“Whatever you say, Da Costa,” Dani says, leaning back in his chair, his eyes fixed on the Portuguese man.  
  
“Daniel, can you shut up?” Ant says, worrying his lip. “Whatever you’re thinking, you need to stop it. There’s nothing between us, we haven’t seen each other for years,”  
  
“That’s a shame, Antonio. Robin’s kind of hot now - I mean he’s still got terrible fashion sense but-”  
  
“Daniel,”  
  
“Antonio,” Dani says, grinning widely as he glances behind Ant. “Ahh, here’s sleeping beauty,”  
  
Robin certainly has changed in the time they were apart. He’s still the same build and height, but his hair looks a little lighter and fluffier and his skin much clearer. He’s wearing a very familiar looking jacket - Ant knows that Robin isn’t Red Bull anymore - then he sees his name emblazoned on Robin’s chest and the warmth curls inside his chest.  
  
“Frienz!” Dani grins. “Hey, is that Ant’s jacket?”  
  
Robin’s cheeks immediately pinken at the Spaniard’s words. He shifts uncomfortably, pulling the coat around himself tighter as though to protect himself. “Umm yeah, didn’t want to wear my Audi jacket,” Robin mumbles, feeling the blush dance over his cheeks.  
  
Robin wonders if he’s made a mistake wearing the coat. He’s kept it all these years and since he was a guest of Dani and of Mercedes, he felt that he could not wear his Audi jacket, especially since they were competitors in the series. However, glancing down at the red bull emblazoning his breast, he wonders if it was the right decision. The jacket no longer smells like Ant - the scent of spicy cologne is long gone. He wonders if he should have brought his Nabholz jacket - it’s plain and black and probably would have fit better as a guest.  
  
“I didn’t think you’d keep it,” Ant says, his eyes fixed on Robin’s red face.  
  
Robin doesn’t return his gaze. “Well, you gave it to me so - I decided to keep it,”  
  
“Well, it does suit you,” Ant says, feeling the blush burn on his own cheeks. “Anyways,” He says, downing the rest of his latte. “I have to go and speak to my engineer about the race set up,” Robin watches Ant slide on his BMW jacket and leave the table. He worries his lip as he moves into the seat next to Dani.  
  
“Did I say something wrong?” He asks, worry in his eyes.  
  
“No, no, of course not-” Dani says, trying to keep his voice warm and reassuring. “Ant is just one of those drivers who likes to focus - he has to get his head in the game,”  
  
“Maybe it was too much wearing his jacket. He probably thinks I am a weird person,” Robin says, worrying his lip. “Maybe I should take it off,”  
  
“Robin,” Dani says softly. “Keep the jacket on. It’s nothing to do with that,”  
  
“I’m stupid. Why would he like someone like me?” Robin murmurs, fiddling with the zip of the jacket.  
  
Dani glances at the Dutchman, he can sense the tension in Robin’s shoulders and he can almost read the thoughts swirling around in Robin’s mind - that he’s not good enough for Ant because of one thing. Dani moves closer and slides an arm around the Dutchman. Robin melts into his arms, Dani’s wings moving to curl around the smaller man as though to protect.  
  
“Never think you’re not good enough, Robin Frijns,” Dani says softly. “You are good enough,”  
  
“But I don’t have-”  
  
“Robin, you know Ant better than that,” Dani cuts in, his voice still soft. “You not having wings wouldn’t be an issue,”  
  
Robin glances around the garage with panic in his eyes. “Dani, what if someone overhears-”  
  
“It’s okay, Robin,” Dani replies, his wing still pressed around Robin’s shoulder. “You’re safe here,”  
  
And Robin believes him. He closes his eyes and allows Dani’s hand to stroke over his wingless back slowly, as though in comfort.

* * *

  
The race is eventful - even though Robin would rather be in a car than sitting in the back of Dani’s garage with a headset that one of the engineers had graciously offered him. He watches Dani’s pitstop carefully, watches the two mechanics work on his car - their wings are absent as always when they’re working. But he knows they’re there. He can see the velcro holes where they would protrude when they’re not in race mode - he saw the same velcro on Dani’s overalls before he jumped in the car. Dani looks strange without his dark auburn wings behind his back, Robin finds himself missing them.  
  
In the end, it’s a race to forget for Dani. He runs into some problems and ends up finishing out of the points. Ant on the other hand, excels and crosses the line first. Robin watches Ant punch the air, elation clearly on his face. He looks ecstatic, his navy blue wings stretching out down the expanse of his back. Robin worries his lip, shifting from foot to foot as he watches Dani exit the car and yank his helmet off, clearly frustrated. Robin wants to go to the auburn haired man, he wants to reassure him but he’s not sure his attention would be welcomed. Robin watches Dani pull off his balaclava but he smiles softly at Robin as his dark brown eyes fix on the Dutchman.  
  
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” Robin murmurs as Dani rips down the velcro at the back of his suit and his long lithe auburn wings unfurl from his back.  
  
“It’s okay,” Dani says, pushing a hand through his hair. “At least someone we like won,”  
  
“Yeah,” Robin murmurs, eyes sliding back over to the screen in the garage to where Ant continues to celebrate. “I’m happy for him,”  
  
“That’s good because I promised him dinner tonight if he won,” Dani says, a grin appearing in his face. Robin feels his eyes widen at Dani’s words.  
  
“You two are going out to dinner?”  
  
“Not just us two, Felix is coming too and Ant is going to be on his own, so you are coming along too so he’s not the third wheel,”  
  
“But-”  
  
“So, lets find you something to wear,” Dani says, grinning widely.  
  
Dani doesn’t leave Robin much choice. He finds himself back in his hotel room with Dani hovering around trying to find something decent to wear in his suitcase that he’d hurriedly packed a few days earlier. He doesn’t want to try too hard.  
  
“You’re not wearing those shoes either, Robin,” Dani says, glancing down at the Dutchman’s feet.  
  
“What’s wrong with my shoes?” Robin asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“They’re bright orange, Robin,” Dani says, moving to rifle through Robin’s suitcase. “These are better,” He says, throwing a pair of black converse at Robin. Robin accepts the shoes as Dani continues to search through his belongings.  
  
“It’s just dinner,” Robin says quietly as Dani selects a dark pair of jeans and a dark blue shirt from the pile. He worries his lip as Dani holds up the shirt against his chest and nods accordingly.  
  
“Just dinner? Ant will be there, Robin,”  
  
Robin feels his cheeks flare pink. “And?”  
  
“Ant will be there, you have to look your best you know? Try seduce him. This shirt is perfect actually, it matches the colour of his wings-”  
  
Robin bites down on his lip, looking down at the floor.  
  
Dani immediately realises his mistake. “Shit Robin, I am so sorry-”  
  
“It’s okay,” Robin says, his lip still caught between his teeth. “I forget myself sometimes-”  
  
“I know you don’t feel good enough for him...because of what you don’t have. But let me tell you, what you do have is worth so much more than that,”  
  
“Thank you,” Robin whispers and he means every word.

* * *

  
Dinner is interesting. Felix, Dani’s boyfriend turns up and immediately the pair are like long lost lovers, their hands entwining over the table top and giggling amongst themselves. Robin worries his lip and downs the rest of the beer he’d been nursing throughout the meal. He tries not to look at Ant - not daring to allow the expression on his face to show. Dani and Felix are cute together, there’s no denying that - but to Robin, it’s uncomfortable. Dani’s hand moves to gently stroke over one of Felix’s platinum blonde wings - his wings match the colour of his hair and suit him down to the ground. Felix shudders slightly at the touch, a smile curling across his lips.  
  
“Get a room you two,” Ant murmurs, a smile on his mouth as he downs the rest of his wine.  
  
“Maybe later,” Dani smirks, smiling as blush floods over Felix’s cheeks. They seem like a strange couple - Dani is the heart and soul of the party, always in the centre of attention and Felix is his polar opposite - quiet and reserved. Robin wonders though if that’s what makes them so strong - that they are so different. He tries not to think about Ant, about how different they are, if it could ever work between them. He finds himself glancing at Ant, at the deep dark blue wings clinging to his muscular back-  
  
“Oi Frienz, stop daydreaming and tell us the best place to go and party. We need to celebrate Ant’s win,” Dani cuts through Robin’s thoughts.  
  
Robin realises he’s been staring at Ant and his cheeks redden at the thought. “I have no idea, I’m not from around here, Dani,”  
  
“Excuses, excuses,” Dani says, rolling his eyes. “Lets go and find a nightclub or something, we need to cut loose,”  
  
Robin reluctantly agrees and they find themselves in a nightclub a few blocks away from the restaurant they had just been in. It’s loud and smoky, lights flash from the darkened dancefloor as the four men crowd around the bar to collect their first round of drinks. The first beer goes down relatively well - as they slide into one of the free booths around the edges of the dancefloor. Felix almost sits on Dani’s lap, their wings folding against each other as Felix giggles at his boyfriend, their hands entwining together.  
  
Robin takes a long sip of his beer, feeling it warm him from the inside. He wishes that he had something like Felix and Dani had - but he knows that nobody would ever love him as he is - who could love someone with no wings? He chases down the bitter taste of the beer with another sip. He grimaces at the taste - but it’s enough in this moment to forget about his own thoughts, about thinking about having what Dani and Felix have. He yearns for wings of his own - wonders if they’d make his life complete. He worries at his lip before he drinks deeply from his glass again, not caring about the taste.

* * *

  
The night fades away into empty glasses and sour shots lingering on the back of Robin’s tongue. He gave up on beer a few hours ago - spurred on by Dani to consume the most shots in one minute - it helps in a way. Robin’s thoughts of wanting what he can’t have, of trying not to stare at Ant for too long all fade away into a muggy, twisted alcohol haze. He grabs another neon green filled shot glass and downs it in one gulp. The bitterness stings the back of his tongue but the alcohol fills his stomach with immense warmth. 

“You okay there Robin?” Felix asks the Dutchman, still curled into the side of a animated Dani.  
  
“Never better,” Robin says, a smile spreading over his face. “These shots are good,”  
  
“Better ease up on those for a little while,” Ant says softly at the side of the Dutchman.  
  
“You’re not fun,” Robin says, pouting at the Portuguese man. “You’re supposed to be celebrating, _Antonio_ ,”  
  
“Need to make sure you get home okay first, Robin,” Ant says with a smile. “Dani would never forgive me if we lost you,”  
  
Robin feels the blush rush to his already reddened cheeks through the haze of the alcohol. “I need to pee,” He announces.  
  
Ant raises an eyebrow but slides out of the booth and allows Robin to squeeze past him. Robin feels his hand brush over the soft navy feathers of Ant’s wings for a second before Ant pulls his wing back. Blush still staining his cheeks, Robin stumbles off to the bathroom.  
  
“He’s hammered,” Ant says, worrying his lip as he watches Robin disappear into the crowd. “Like really hammered,”  
  
“Nothing wrong with that,” Dani slurs at the side of Felix, his head pillowed into the blonde man’s shoulder. “We should drink some more,”  
  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, love,” Felix says, smiling softly at his boyfriend.  
  
Ant takes a sip of his cola as he watches the pair of them - he yearns for what they have - Dani looks so comfortable against Felix, the blonde man’s platinum wing wrapped gently around his shoulder as though to protect him. His thoughts turn to Robin, trying to imagine the Dutchman curled against his wing in the same way. He wonders what colour Robin’s wings are - if they’re a strange colour, or if they’re the same chocolate brown as his hair. He’s never seen them before, Robin always keeps them hidden underneath his clothes, never uses the velcroed opening on his overalls. He shakes the thought from his mind - Robin barely knows him - he has every right to hide his wings from a stranger, but Robin doesn’t stray far from his mind. The Dutchman has been gone for quite a long time. Worrying his lip, Ant wonders if he’s made a detour to the bar. He doesn’t want Robin drinking anymore, he’s had quite enough for one night. Making excuses to Dani and Felix and ignoring the glance that Dani gives him, Ant makes his way through the crowded dancefloor over to the bar.  
  
It doesn’t take him too long to find Robin. The Dutchman is hunched over the bar - three empty shot glasses are standing on the bar in front of him. However, it is not the sight of the glasses that makes Ant’s chest cold. It’s the man standing next to Robin, getting into his personal space. The man looks remarkably like himself, down to the navy blue wings which look almost black in the dim light of the nightclub. Robin giggles at something the man says as another drink is pressed into his hands, the man’s wing slowly stroking over Robin’s arm. Robin downs the shot in one and the man laughs, pressing closer.  
  
Ant is about to turn around and go back to the bar when Robin leans in and grabs the man’s shirt. Ant feels his mouth drop open as Robin kisses the man. Their lips ghost over each other, the man’s wings moving to curl around Robin as they kiss. Ant bites on his lip as he watches their lips fall over other - he knows that he should stop watching, that he should retreat back to the booth. He had no idea that Robin liked men or if he was just so drunk he didn’t know any different. Something flares in his chest at the sight of the pair. Ant watches the man’s hand move to gently squeeze Robin’s ass and decides he’s had enough.  
  
“Robin,” He says, watching as the Dutchman wrenches his lips away from the man.  
  
“Ant?” Robin asks, his eyes clouded from alcohol. “Ant, what are you doing here?”  
  
“Sorry, I guess my boyfriend’s had too much to drink,” Ant says to the man as sweetly as possible. The man’s smile drops as Ant moves closer to Robin, throwing an arm around the drunken man, his wing folding against Robin’s shoulder in an almost protective stance.  
  
The man’s cheeks are red as he apologises profusely and vanishes back into the crowd. Robin stares at Ant with glazed eyes, leaning into his touch, into the soft fluffy feathers.  
  
“You’re here,” He says, a small smile playing on his lips.  
  
“Yeah, we better get you back to the hotel,” Ant replies, allowing Robin’s head to fall against his shoulder. He feels warmth curling through the area, where Robin is resting and pulls his wing tighter around the Dutchman as though to protect. At first, Robin looks like he wants to argue with Ant but he nods, his eyes half lidded.  
  
“Okay,”  
  
Ant nods once, directing Robin back through the crowded dancefloor. He intends to tell Dani and Felix where he’s going but when he reaches the booth, Dani is in Felix’s lap, their lips are locked together, their wings entwined. Ant doesn’t want to disturb them - not when Dani is practically eating Felix’s face, small gasps breaking free from his lips and he instead proceeds to pull Robin towards the door. The cool air hits his face as he and Robin exit the nightclub which makes Robin shiver and move closer to the Portuguese man. Ant rests his cheek against Robin’s hair for a moment as they begin to walk through the streets of Zandvoort.

* * *

  
It doesn’t take long to get back to the hotel - according to Ant’s phone, it’s supposed to take seven minutes, but Google maps doesn’t factor in a drunken Dutchman - so the walk is closer to fifteen minutes. Ant feels the relief wash over his chest as he prises the keycard from the pocket of Robin’s jeans and lets them into his hotel room. He wonders if it would have been quicker to fly - but Robin looked a little unsteady and Ant didn’t want him throwing up mid-flight. Ant moves to deposit his cargo onto the large king sized bed. Robin giggles as he bounces onto the soft sheets.  
  
“This was fun. Can we do it again?” He asks, his blue eyes still glazed from alcohol.  
  
“I’d rather not,” Ant says, but he can’t stop the smile spreading over his face. Robin looks relaxed, happy - there’s a smile playing on the corner of his lips and it suits him. “Time for bed, Robin,” He says softly. “You going to sleep in your jeans?”  
  
“No,” Robin slurs, shaking his head. His hands immediately go to the hem of his jeans and he struggles to pull them away from his legs. He immediately starts giggling - his nose scrunching up as he laughs - something that makes Ant smile before he moves to intervene.  
  
“Let’s take your shoes off first,” Ant says softly as he slowly begins to undo Robin’s converse, tugging them off his feet along with his socks. Robin sways slightly at the sudden movement, a giggle bubbling up past his lips.  
  
“Now let’s get your jeans off,” Ant says as though he’s speaking to a child. Robin glances up at him with glazed, blown pupils as Ant slowly tugs the jeans down his legs. Ant bites down on his lip, trying not to look at the exposed milky white skin. He’s not going to be that guy who takes advantage of a drunk friend. Robin smiles as the jeans finally slide down over his ankles.  
  
“That’s much better,” Robin slurs out. Ant moves to unbutton his shirt but Robin’s eyes go wide and panicked.  
  
“What are you doing?” He asks, strangely defensive.  
  
“You can’t sleep in your shirt, Robin,” Ant’s tone is patient and soft. “It’s okay, you’re not the only guy I’ve seen shirtless,”  
  
Ant swears Robin’s cheeks turn slightly pink. “Okay, okay,” Robin says, worrying his lip as Ant slowly begins to undo the buttons on his shirt. Ant works slowly, trying not to gaze at the pale skin underneath, at the freckles spreading out over Robin’s chest. Robin doesn’t seem to notice at all as Ant undoes the last button and slides the cotton away from Robin’s shoulder.  
  
“Doesn’t that feel better?” Ant asks.  
  
“I’m sleepy,” Robin replies, his tone is grumpy. Ant laughs as he pulls back the duvet and Robin slides into it, still slightly unsteady from the alcohol. Ant wonders if he’ll see Robin’s wings unfurl - usually he likes to stretch out his wings whilst he sleeps, but Robin’s back stays relatively bare. Ant begins to wonder if Robin is ashamed of his wings - if they’re a colour he doesn’t like - he can’t imagine why Robin would be. They’re probably beautiful - the more he thinks about it, the more he assumes they’re a strange colour. Ant goes to move off the bed, but Robin’s hand curls around his wrist.  
  
“Are you leaving?” Robin asks, his gaze deep and blue.  
  
“I have to go back to my own room,” Ant says, worrying his lip.  
  
“Please stay,” Robin pleads.  
  
Ant can’t say no. He wordlessly sheds his own jeans and shirt before he crawls into the bed on the other side, making sure to put as much space between himself and Robin. However, the drunken Dutchman immediately moves over to Ant as though drawn in by his warmth, his lithe body curling up against Ant’s. Robin’s head is pillowed on Ant’s shoulder, a constant warmth, and Ant finds his wing subconsciously wrapping around Robin. They stay like that for what seems like a lifetime, the only sound in the room is that of their shallow breathing. Ant can feel his eyelids growing heavy when he feels fingertips against his feathers. His wing jolts a little at being disturbed but the touches continue, soft and gentle, fingertips barely brushing over his feathers. Ant bites back a moan - his wings have always been sensitive, and the way Robin is stroking them isn’t helping.  
  
“They’re so beautiful,” Robin says softly, his fingers continuing to stroke. “So soft, like a blanket,”  
  
Ant hums in agreement, his eyelids growing heavy once more at the contact.  
  
“I wish I had wings like you,” Robin slurs out, his hands continuing to stroke. He goes silent after that as his eyes close and he succumbs to sleep. His hand stills on Ant’s wing and Ant finds himself missing the contact. Robin’s words run through his head for a moment - he wonders why Robin would want wings like his, why Robin wouldn’t like his own wings? Surely they’re more beautiful than his? However, the thoughts soon disappear as Ant falls into sleep, his wing subconsciously tightening around Robin’s body as though to protect.

* * *

 


	3. part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ant and Robin finally give into their feelings after Robin receives some unwanted attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is probably going to be more than 5 parts but I'm not changing it until I get past 4 chapters. Edit by me - those are not Robin's wings, I just wanted to reflect Robin's want for a pair of wings. Thank you to the usual suspects. Enjoy :)

                                                    

* * *

 

 

Robin sits in the Audi garage, thinking not to think of the events that transpired two months ago. He had woken up the next morning to find Ant gone - to find nothing but rumpled sheets and a few navy blue feathers resting on the indent where Ant had slept. Robin had tried not to think of it - Ant had not left a note, so he assumed that the Portuguese man was ashamed, embarrassed by his behaviour the previous night. He’s in Portugal right now - Ant’s home country - ready to start one of the final rounds of the Blancpain. He tears off a hangnail as he glances at the pit lane outside, at the sun beating down on the tarmac. He invited Dani to the event - there was no race in Spain and Portugal was in easy proximity for him to attend. Dani had accepted the invitation with no hesitation. Robin checks his watch - Dani should have been here by now. It was a reasonably straightforward flight from Barcelona to Lisbon, before a changeover to Faro. Robin hopes he hasn’t changed his mind.  
  
“Frienz!” A familiar voices booms from behind him. Robin feels a smile curve over his lips as he turns around to see Dani bounding towards him, his auburn wings fluttering in the air-conditioned garage. “Sorry I’m late, had a few problems with this one-”

  
He looks pointedly behind him. Robin feels his heart seize for a moment at the sight of Ant standing in the garage. He looks good - his skin looks more tanned, emphasised by the tight white t-shirt he’s wearing. His wings are lying against the curve of his back. Robin remembers how soft they felt when they curled around him. Ant blushes at the sight of Robin before him.  
  
“Hey, I didn’t mean to gatecrash but Dani insisted on dragging me along,” Ant says, apologetically.  
  
“That’s alright,” Robin says, his cheeks pink. “It’s good to see you again,”  
  
“Yeah, it’s been a while,” Ant murmurs back, worrying his lip. “You excited for the race?”  
  
“Yeah,” Robin says, hating how his cheeks are betraying him. “I hope I can win though, the championship is looking like a good shot,”  
  
“You’ll win, Frienz. You’re better than half of the other drivers here,” Dani cuts in, grinning as he watches the pair. There’s something different between them, he thinks - something he can’t place his finger on.  
  
“Thanks, Dani,” Robin says, the blush still clinging to his cheeks. “You’re welcome to use the coffee machine. I know Mercedes don’t have such luxury,”  
  
“Fuck off,” Dani fights back, grinning. “Might just use the bar and ask them to put it all on your tab,”  
  
“You earn more than me!” Robin says, shaking his head.  
  
“Not if you win this championship, Frienz,” Dani says, smiling. His eyes drift over Robin’s black and red overalls. “Audi red looks good on you,”  
  
Robin feels his cheeks pinken again as Dani turns his hazel eyes to Ant. “Doesn’t it, Ant?”  
  
Ant turns bright red. “Y-yeah, it does,” He splutters out, trying not to look at Robin.  
  
“Thanks,” Robin murmurs, worrying his lip. “I should go and get ready, Laurens will be looking for me...but thank you for both coming,” He scuttles off to the back of the garage, his attention immediately taken by one of his engineers wanting to talk over the set up of the car.  
  
Dani’s eyes fall on Ant. “So are you going to tell me what that was all about?”  
  
Ant rubs a hand over his face. “I don’t know what you mean,”  
  
“You and Robin been all awkward. Did something happen in Zandvoort?”  
  
Ant feels his cheeks turn bright red. “I-”  
  
“They did, didn’t they? Did you get closer?”  
  
“I took him back to the hotel because he was drunk,” Ant murmurs, his cheeks still red. “Nothing happened, I wouldn’t take advantage of him like that-”  
  
Dani nods his head once. “But you want something to happen between you two?” He probes, eyes still locked on Ant.  
  
Ant hesitates. “He’s not interested, why would he be?”  
  
“Are you kidding me?” Dani asks, raising an eyebrow. “He’s definitely interested,”  
  
“He probably feels awkward now we have slept together and I left before he woke up-”  
  
Dani’s eyes are as wide as saucers. “You slept together?” He whispers, a grin curling at the corners of his mouth.  
  
“Not like that,” Ant says quickly. “We just ended up asleep. He didn’t want me to leave-”  
  
“That is fucking _adorable_ ,” Dani says, the grin widening. “What do you mean you left before he woke up?”  
  
“I didn’t want it to be weird and for him to be embarrassed. I left before he woke up,” Ant says, worrying his lip.  
  
“Didn’t you leave a note?”  
  
Ant shakes his head and yells as Dani lightly slaps him on the shoulder. “What was that for?”  
  
“For being a fucking idiot, Antonio Felix Da Costa. Why didn’t you leave a note?”  
  
“I didn’t want him to feel awkward,” Ant says, feeling anxious.  
  
“So you just leave without any explanation?” Dani asks with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“I know it sounds stupid,” Ant bites back a groan. It does sound like a stupid decision now he’s looking back on it - he shouldn’t have left without an explanation. “I’ll apologise,”  
  
“You better, Da Costa,” Dani says, giving the Portuguese man a light shove.

 

* * *

  
  
Robin steps out of the car, accepting the hug that Laurens presses him into. His dark grey wings fold around Robin, enveloping him in a sudden warmth. He tries to swallow the panic that swirls inside his chest for a moment - tries not to think about the fact that he will never have the ability to do such a thing. He wishes that he could wrap his wings around Laurens, that he could stand on the podium with his wings unfurled in pride. He has to settle for standing next to Lauren’s outstretched wings on the podium, lifting the trophy aloft. The cheers ring out in his head as he gazes down over the team cheering for his win, standing at the foot of the balcony. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Dani’s auburn wings shining in the sunlight. He smiles at the sight, of Dani’s ecstatic face, cheering and grinning widely. Ant stands next to him - his celebrations are a little more muted but there’s a smile on his face.  
  
It’s a smile that burns itself into Robin’s mind.

* * *

  
  
Robin’s had a few drinks, bought for him by various members of the team to celebrate getting one step closer to winning the Blancpain title. He doesn’t want to get too drunk - doesn’t want to be in the same position he was in in Zandvoort, so he ensures that he sticks to soft drinks when he’s buying his own round. He pulls at the collar of his shirt, trying to ignore the sweat that pours off the back of his neck in the warm Portuguese evening.  
  
“Frienz!” Dani’s voice cuts through the tropical house music and Robin feels himself enveloped by warm arms and auburn feathers. He melts into the embrace, feeling a smile tug at his lips. “Congratulations, one step closer to the championship,”  
  
“Thanks,” Robin says, his eyes flickering over to Ant who is standing behind the pair. He looks good - dressed in a dark shirt and jeans which compliments the colour of his wings. He moves forward and awkwardly pulls Robin into a hug. Robin feels the warmth spread over his chest as Ant’s arms wind around him, his wings tickling against the top of Robin’s biceps.  
  
“You did good,” Ant says softly.  
  
“Thank you,” Robin says, wanting the embrace to last forever.  
  
“So, drinks lovebirds?” Dani’s voice cuts in and Robin feels Ant jolt at the interruption. He feels something pull at his chest as Ant releases him from his hold, shuffling away. Dani is grinning at the pair of them like a Cheshire cat.  
  
“I’m not getting hammered like last time,” Robin murmurs.  
  
“That’s a shame. I bet Ant would _love_ to look after you again,” Dani grins, watching Ant’s cheeks pinken from embarrassment.  
  
“You’re buying, Juncadella,” Robin replies, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.  
  
“I’ll get you some Jaegerbombs, Frijns,” Dani says with a wink.

* * *

  
  
Robin does end up drinking the Jaegerbombs that Dani buys, along with a few other drinks that people buy for him in celebration of his win. The room spins a little as the alcohol stings the back of his throat. He makes a note to ensure that his next drink is a soft one - he doesn’t want to be in the position he was last time. The night is still a blur to him - there’s flashes of him giggling, of his face resting against something soft, of Ant’s murmured words as he fell asleep. But he doesn’t want that again - he was mortified at waking up alone in rumpled sheets - like he was something that could be thrown away. He still wants to ask Ant why he left, but he doesn’t want to seem clingy. Ant could have a legitimate reason for leaving, but it doesn’t stop Robin wanting to know.  
  
He downs the rest of his drink and declares he’s going back to the bar.  
  
“Get me a sex on the beach, Frienz!” Dani shouts out, winking.  
  
Robin makes his way through the dancefloor towards the bar - he orders a diet Coke for himself, Dani’s sex on the beach and a Corona for Ant. He hands over his card and collects the three drinks as he makes his way back over to Ant and Dani’s table. However, as he’s walking, he bumps into something soft - his eyes flicker up to a burly looking man with eyes darkened in anger.  
  
“What the fuck?” The man roars out as he glances down at his now ruined shirt, a red smear from Dani’s sex on the beach cocktail spreading over the white material.  
  
“I’m so sorry-” Robin mutters out, his cheeks turning pink.  
  
“Why did you do that, you stupid wingless freak?”  
  
“I-” Robin murmurs, feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry-”  
  
“Oh wait, you’re that little bitch who won the race today aren’t you?” The man sneers, his lips curving into a predatory smile. “You know at first I thought you just were ashamed of your wings, but you mustn’t have any,”  
  
“I-”  
  
“Little Blancpain bitch with no wings - wait, you must weigh less then? You cheated, didn’t you? You don’t deserve to win-”  
  
Robin doesn’t answer. He just pushes past the man, the words still sting as he makes his way through the hoards of winged people on the dancefloor, tears clinging to the corners of his eyes. He can’t go back to Ant and Dani without their drinks and with tears on his cheeks, they would question what happened. Robin couldn’t risk Ant finding out the truth. He changes direction and stumbles through the terrace of the bar towards the beach. Thankfully there’s nobody on the beach at this hour - nobody that he can see - Robin kicks off his shoes, enjoying the sensation of the smooth sand in between his toes. The picture before him is quite serene - it’s a clear night and the moon is hanging low in the sky, like a large white coin just above the dark plains of the calm sea.  
  
Robin collapses into the sand as far from the bar as he can get. The waves don’t quite reach his toes, but he’s able to see the gentle movement of the dark sea before him and takes a few calming breaths. He tries not to repeat the man’s words in his mind - tries not to panic that the man knew what he was, knew what he did not possess from simply watching the race. Robin wonders how he was able to do such a thing - he had been wearing the velcroed overalls with the special wings slits to stop suspicion being aroused. The overalls also carried extra weight, as did his seat to accommodate for his lack of wings. Josef, who was still his manager, had handled the contract beautifully, ensuring that a strict NDA was signed in a lawyer’s presence and that measures were put in place to ensure that Robin did not gain an advantage, nor that his secret was revealed.  
  
Robin feels the tears sting at his eyes, wishing that he had wings to pull around himself, wishing that he could have what everyone else had to comfort himself. He had read that although a human’s wings were wired to their brain, they were capable of muscle memory and of instinctively sensing their human’s emotions as well as others around them. Robin thought about Ant’s wing wrapping around him protectively, about how Dani’s auburn wing seemed to stroke his arm gently. He feels the wetness on his cheeks and bites back a sob that he will never experience that.  
  
“Robin?” A voice pipes up behind him and Robin stiffens at the sound. He snaps around, tears still staining his cheeks. Ant stands behind him - his eyes flicker over the tears on Robin’s skin. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Just leave me alone,” Robin says in a choked voice. “I don’t want to talk about it,”  
  
“What happened? Did someone upset you?” Ant says, keeping his voice soft. Robin closes his eyes, trying to repress the sobs building in his chest. He feels warmth at his side, hears Ant dropping into the sand next to Robin. He tentatively places a hand on Robin’s shoulder as though to ask permission to comfort him. Robin knows he should push away the Portuguese man but he doesn’t want to. He wants the comfort. He melts against Ant’s arm, pressing himself into his body as Ant’s arms curve around his back. Robin bites down sobs as Ant’s hand slowly caresses up and down his spine.  
  
“It’s okay,” Ant says softly. “You don’t have to tell me,” He whispers, his hand slowly moving up and down Robin’s back. Robin feels the tears slip out and run down his cheeks, they soak into the front of Ant’s shirt but the Portuguese man doesn’t seem to care.  
  
“I’m a failure,” Robin whimpers, his hand fisting into Ant’s dark shirt.  
  
“Hey,” Ant says, lifting up Robin’s chin so his brown eyes lock with Robin’s bright blue ones. “Less of that. You just won the fucking Blancpain race, you’re far from a failure,”  
  
“I feel like one,” Robin says, glancing down at the sand. His eyes are reddened from the tears.  
  
“And you shouldn’t,” Ant says softly. “You’re a bloody good driver and you know Dani would fight anyone who thinks otherwise,”  
  
Robin laughs gently at that and Ant smiles at the upturn of Robin’s lips.  
  
“Never think you’re not good enough,” Ant says quietly. “Because you are,”  
  
“Then why did you leave?” Robin can’t stop the question rushing past his lips. But Ant doesn’t look angry at his words. He caresses Robin’s cheek gently, worrying his lip as though he’s trying to find the right words.  
  
“I’m not sure. It wasn’t anything you did - I just figured that you would feel awkward in the morning and mortified and I wanted to spare you from feeling that way. I’m sorry I didn’t leave you a note, I just assumed that you wouldn’t be bothered,”  
  
“I just thought you were embarrassed about spending the night with me-” Robin says, looking down at the sand.  
  
“Hey,” Ant says, pulling Robin’s face up to meet his own. “I was never embarrassed about that. To be honest, I kinda liked it-”  
  
Robin’s cheeks turn pink. “Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah,” Ant whispers back. Silence falls over the pair - the only sound is that of the gentle waves breaking on the shoreline. Brown eyes lock on blue before Ant leans in - he pauses for a moment as though to ask permission - before his lips close over Robin’s. The kiss is slow, it’s sweet and it’s everything that Ant could have wanted. They fall against the sand as Ant deepens the kiss, his hand sliding into Robin’s hair. His wings splay at either side of him, as his lips move against Robin’s. Robin moans against Ant’s lips.  
  
“Oh god, Ant-” He murmurs and Ant smiles into the kiss.  
  
Robin tastes of sweat and the alcohol lingers in the back of his mouth. Their tongues tangle together as Robin fists his hand gently into Ant’s wings. Ant groans out at the sensation, Robin’s fingers moving to stroke through the soft feathers. Ant feels his thoughts grow hazy as he’s lost in the throes of passion. Robin’s tongue gently strokes over his own and Ant tugs on the soft brown hair of the Dutchman. He’s wanted to do this for so long, wanted to be close to someone. They seem to stay there forever, lulled by the sound of the sea and of their lips parting against each other.  
  
Robin eventually pulls away, his lips still slick with saliva. “That was incredible,”  
  
Ant glances over at him - brown eyes locking on blue ones. They stay silent for a moment, the only sound is that of the waves gently breaking on the shore. Ant finds himself looking into Robin’s eyes, mapping out the contours of his face and marvelling at the tiny freckles spread across his cheeks.  
  
“So what now?” He breaks the silence.  
  
Robin worries his lip. “I don’t know,” He admits, glancing down at the sand. “I just...don’t think I am ready for this,”  
  
Ant ignores the twinge in his chest at Robin’s words. They weren’t what he was expecting. Robin continues to worry his lip as he glances up at Ant. “It’s not you, I swear, you’re amazing. I just - I’m scared that it isn’t what we both truly want,”  
  
“I understand,” Ant says softly, grabbing hold of Robin’s hand. His fingers are warm against Ant’s and he squeezes gently. “It’s okay, we’ll figure something out,”  
  
Robin smiles at him gently and he feels his own smile curve over his lips.

* * *

 


	4. part four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin finally enters Formula E and has more problems in his growing relationship with Ant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get this up even though the next part is nowhere near done - this is going to be at least ten chapters I reckon. I'm getting close to the part I've written now so I need to get ahead before the next part is released. Big thank you to Kim and to the usual suspects. Enjoy :)

                                                    

* * *

 

Robin tries not to think of that moment when he’s sitting in Josef’s office - they had continued to hold hands, Robin leaning into Ant to stave off the cold. It was nice - just to be with someone with no requirements, no pressure to be something. He was thankful for Ant understanding what he needed, that he couldn’t be the person that Ant wanted him to be in that moment. They had parted ways, their hands reluctantly releasing from each other. Robin had found himself back in bed missing Ant’s touch.  
  
Josef’s office is cold but it’s worth it. His manager sits before him in his large leather backed chair, glancing over the documents - over the contract that has been a secret for months. Robin couldn’t tell anyone about it - not even Dani - not until the arrangements are finalised. It’s a contract to race in a new series - Formula E. Robin had to pinch himself when he got the call from Andretti. He never expected a manufacturing giant like Andretti to be interested in a wingless kid like him - but they _were_ , very much so.  
  
Michael Andretti himself sits opposite him, his wings an impressive shade of emerald green, and Josef, a wide smile on his face as he reads over the contract terms that Josef had submitted a few months ago. “We’re excited for you to be joining Andretti, Robin. We think that you will be a perfect fit - your wins in Formula Renault and Blancpain were very impressive and we think that you would be able to achieve the same results with us,”  
  
Robin gives the man a small smile. “Thank you. I am honoured to be given this opportunity,”  
  
“There was just a small thing I wanted to clear up,” Michael says, his hand scratching over his beard. “In the contract, you stated that you required additional weight built into your car. Can I ask what the reason for that is?”  
  
Robin goes pale at Michael’s words. He’s blown it - they’re going to discover his secret and revoke the contract. Why would anyone want a wingless driver?  
  
Josef cuts in smoothly. “Robin was born with the volare gene but unfortunately has never acquired wings, he requires the extra weight as his agreement with the FDA. In Blancpain, he was required to have extra weight built into his seat and into his racing gear. I hope you understand the reasons for this, Mr Andretti. This is to ensure that Robin enters races on an even playing field. It also protects him from scrutiny and the inevitable uproar if people discovered the truth. We do this not to lie to others, but to protect Robin and to protect the sport of racing in general. It is unfair for Robin to not be considered simply because he lacks an appendage that has no impact on racing or on winning,”  
  
“Quite right,” Michael says, glancing over the words once more. “I agree, Mr Kaufmann. You must do what is necessary to protect Robin and I hope that we can do the same for him-”  
  
“Wait? You’re still offering me the contract?” Robin blurts out.  
  
Michael laughs. “Of course. I am not going to throw you out simply because you lack wings. That would be a lawsuit waiting to happen - no, no, I agree with Mr Kaufmann. We chose you because of your race experience and skills, not because of a few feathers on your back,”  
  
Robin feels his mouth drop open.  
  
Michael smiles. “And of course, Mr Kaufmann, this sensitive matter will be handled carefully by my team. I will impose strict NDAs on my lawyers and other members of my team that will be privy to this information. I will also release an alternate contract,”  
  
“Excellent,” Josef says, smiling.  
  
“Why would you do this for me?” Robin finds himself asking.  
  
“Because we think that you will flourish in this team and that we in turn, will flourish as a result of you working with us. We want you to be happy and like Mr Kaufmann, we want you to be protected within this arrangement,”  
  
Robin nods, accepting the answer.  
  
“We’re thrilled to confirm this, Robin,” Michael continues. “We have an excellent team of people all working to make this project successful. We have had alot of upheaval in the past year but we are focused on long term commitment. The contract will run for a year. Don’t worry about the time period though - it is actually the norm within this series, as I am sure your manager has researched thoroughly. We have also been in contact with your Audi works team about this contract so everyone is aware. I am confident that you will be successful with us,”  
  
Robin feels the smile pull at his cheeks. “Thank you, I won’t let you down,”  
  
“I know you won’t,” Michael smiles as he produces an expensive looking fountain pen. He doesn’t have to say anything. Robin accepts the pen and signs his name with a flourish, thinking of his future, thinking of what it will hold.  
  
“Can’t wait for you to get started,” Michael says, grinning.  
  
Robin can’t wait either.

* * *

  
  
Robin feels a little apprehensive at the opening ePrix in Beijing. It’s his first race - he’s not the only one thankfully - Simona, his teammate is also new to the series. She soothes some of his worries away with her quick wit and laid back attitude, her beautiful dusky rose wings spread out across her back. He glances around the makeshift paddock at the various tents erected with the beautiful cars safely stowed inside - his eyes rest on his own name and photo above his head. He spots the Abt garage a few feet away - spots Daniel Abt with his beautiful dark purple wings. He still can’t believe that he’s here, that this was a success. A new journey is about to begin and he’s excited to get started - he still can’t believe he’s standing here in the blue overalls of Andretti. It’s muggy in China and Robin can feel the sweat sticking to the hair at the back of his neck as he pushes his sunglasses back up onto his sweaty nose.  
  
“Not used to this heat, eh, Robin?” A familiar voice pipes up and Robin feels the blush stain his cheeks as Ant saunters over, dressed in the white and orange overalls of Aguri. His ever present blue wings lie flat against his back.  
  
“Not all of us live in the Mediterranean, Ant,” Robin quips back, pushing a hand through his sweaty hair.  
  
“We’ll be racing soon, that should cool you down,” Ant says, smiling. “You looking forward to it? I couldn’t believe it when Andretti announced you,”  
  
“Didn’t expect me to follow you?” Robin asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“Well, I am always on hand to kick your ass,” Ant says with a grin.  
  
Robin feels his cheeks burn red at Ant’s comment.  
  
“I’m kidding,” Ant says slowly, his eyes locked on Robin’s. “So you excited to start?”  
  
“Yeah, it’ll be different. I’ve only done some simulator work so far so it’ll be a challenge,”  
  
“Simulator work?” Ant raises an eyebrow.  
  
“Yeah, fell asleep in it once,” Robin says, cheeks still red.  
  
Ant chuckles. “I didn’t expect anything less from you, Robin,”  
  
Robin feels a smile brush over his lips.  
  
“Ant, we need you to look over the data!” The sound of Ant’s engineer interrupts their moment of silence. Ant gives Robin a playful pat on the shoulder as he turns on his heel and disappears back to his own garage.  
  
“So there you are!” Simona’s smooth voice pipes up from behind him - she stands behind with her arms folded, her wings spread out across her back. They look gorgeous against the early morning sun - Robin is envious. He wishes that he could have such beautiful wings - the light pink feathers seem to play off the sunlight, giving it an iridescent sheen.  
  
“Simona,” Robin says, his cheeks turning pink. “I thought you were grabbing food,”  
  
“I did. I grabbed some pasta, though I think I’ll regret it,” Her eyes fall on the retreating figure of Ant. “Who was that?”  
  
“Antonio,” Robin can feel the blush on his cheeks.  
  
“He’s cute,” Simona says, with a wink.  
  
“It- it’s - there’s nothing going on,” Robin splutters out.  
  
“Not yet there isn’t,” Simona continues, smiling at her teammate.  
  
Robin thinks back to their conversation a few weeks prior, dread weighing heavy in his chest. “Yeah,” He says, giving Simona a weak smile.

* * *

  
Beijing ends up being a good start for Robin. Despite performing poorly in the qualifying round, he manages to outqualify Simona and Ant and ends up finishing a respectable tenth in his first race. Ant had ended up involved in an accident with Villeneuve which sent him out of the race sixteen laps in. Robin smiles as Michael claps him on the back, a wide smile on his face.  
  
“Job well done, Robin. You’ve really hit the ground running,”  
  
Robin smiles. “Thank you for giving me this opportunity. It’s very different to working on the simulator being in the car,”  
  
“You did a fine job. You should be proud of yourself,”  
  
Robin smiles.

* * *

  
  
He finds himself in a bar with Daniel Abt later that evening - he’s not sure how it happened but Daniel is a social butterfly and he’s adopted Robin in a way. Daniel’s beautiful dark purple wings are unfurled as he sips his beer slowly. He hadn’t had a good race either - he had started in eleventh and finished there.  
  
“You did a good job there, Frienz,” He says, a small smile clinging to his face. “Not bad for your first race,”  
  
“Thanks,” Robin says, blush still clinging to his cheeks. “So are you ready for the next race?”  
  
“Not really, still preparing for it,” Daniel shrugs, placing his beer down. He glances over Robin’s shoulder and his smile brightens. “Antonio! Glad you could make it,”  
  
Robin stiffens at the name but he pastes a smile onto his face as he glances around to see Ant standing in front of him, dressed in a dark long sleeved t-shirt and dark blue jeans. His azure wings are stretched out against the expanse of his back, catching the light from the bar.  
  
“Sorry, I’m late,” Ant says with a grin as he slides down into the booth next to Robin. Robin feels his blue feathers brush against his bare arm and stiffens, moving to grab the beer in front of him. He takes another sip of the bitter liquid, grimacing slightly. He feels the odd one out - sitting in a booth with both Daniel and Ant, their dark wings splayed out.  
  
“Sorry about your race, man,” Daniel says, downing the rest of his cocktail.  
  
Ant waves his hand as though to dismiss Daniel’s words. “It’s okay, he was a fucking idiot for doing that to me but there’s no hard feelings,” He glances at Robin. “Congratulations on your first points,”  
  
“First of many, I hope,” Robin says, pasting on a smile. He can feel the heat of Ant’s thigh pressing against his own, the feathers still brushing against his arm.  
  
“I’m sure they will be,” Ant replies with a grin. “You can focus on Putrajaya now, that’s a nightmare track,”  
  
“We did okay there last year,” Daniel chips in. “We both got points,”  
  
“Still not my favourite track,” Ant says, shaking his head. “The surface is a bit too unpredictable for my liking. Not sure how the car will handle it,” He can feel Robin’s thigh against his own, can feel the fluttering sensation in his chest at the thought of the Dutchman so close to him. He wonders if Robin has considered their conversation further - he knows that Robin is shy and notoriously private, he even asked Daniel if he could dig up any information on Robin’s past love life. But strangely, neither he or Daniel found anything. Robin was an enigma.  
  
“Do you even have a favourite?” Daniel asks, eyebrow raised.  
  
“Buenos Aires, of course,” Ant says, grinning.  
  
“Of course,” Daniel repeats, remembering the memorable win that Antonio had achieved for himself last year. Robin remembered how happy Ant had looked up on the podium, flinging the trophy up in the air, his wings unfurled and covered in blue and white confetti. “That was a bad race for us,”  
  
Silence settles over the three men for a moment. “I wish I’d been there then,” Robin cuts through it wistfully.  
  
“Where were you?” Ant asks, his eyes gazing over to the Dutchman.  
  
“Preparing for Blancpain,” Robin replies, worrying his lip.  
  
“Didn’t you win that year?” Ant says, holding his gaze.  
  
“Y-yeah, I did. First in the GT and just missed out on the Sprint Cup,” Robin says, finding it difficult to keep eye contact. He can’t look into those light brown eyes.  
  
“So all that preparation paid off,” Ant says, smiling. “And now you’re here with us crazy people,”  
  
Daniel laughs across the table as Robin feels a warm hand settle on his thigh. He glances at Ant, who looks at him as though asking for permission. Robin does not decline and allows Ant to keep his hand where it is. It’s warm and still against his jeans. Robin tries not to think what it would mean - if Ant will want more from him, if he will expect something else. Daniel takes over the conversation, discussing where the best places in Putrajaya are to go out after the race. Ant joins in, a wide smile on his face as his fingers slowly begin to stroke over Robin’s thigh. Robin feels his teeth dig into his lip at the contact. He can feel his skin tingling from Ant’s touch. Ant continues to stroke, his fingers slowly dragging over Robin’s leg. Robin thinks about him and Ant - if they could be something. There’s certainly a spark between them - something that Robin cannot define nor does he want to. He finds himself leaning into Ant’s warmth, into the soft feathers of Ant’s wings. Ant smiles gently, his wing subconsciously wrapping around Robin’s shoulder as though to pull him closer. Robin’s hand moves to gently card through some of the feathers, admiring the iridescent sheen that pulls from them. Ant worries his lip. Robin’s touch feels so good - so soft and gentle against his wings - he resists the urge to purr at the contact.  
  
Daniel clears his throat across the table and Robin freezes against Ant, realisation flooding his face. Robin pulls away from Ant, blush staining his cheeks as he makes up an excuse that he needs the bathroom. Ant watches him go, his wings mourning the loss of warm Robin curled up against him.  
  
“What was that about?” Daniel asks, with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“It’s complicated,” Ant says, worrying his lip. Maybe it was too soon, maybe he shouldn’t have allowed Robin to embrace him in such a way, maybe he was just confusing him more-  
  
“What’s going on between you two?”  
  
“Nothing,” Ant says. It’s the truth, despite him wanting there to be more. “We’re just friends,”  
  
“You wouldn’t let a friend practically groom your wings, Ant,” Daniel says, his brown eyes fixed on the Portuguese man.  
  
“I don’t know, Dan. I just - I trust him, _they_ trust him,” He glances at his wings, still relaxed against the curve of his back.  
  
“Do you want more?” Daniel asks.  
  
Ant worries his lip. “I do, but I’m not sure if he wants the same,”  
  
Daniel nods, smiling. “You two would be good together,”  
  
Ant can’t help but agree as he thinks about the man in the bathroom and how good he had felt against his side.

* * *

 


	5. part five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Putrajaya 2015. Robin struggles with the press and finds help from unlikely sources.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done! Sorry, I've been really busy with personal life so this has taken a while. I would recommend watching the Putrajaya eprix in 2015. It's one of my favourite races and yes, Robin was on the podium! :) A big thank you to Kim as always. Without her, this fic would not exist. Edit by me as always. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

                                            

* * *

 

  
Robin touches down in Putrajaya - feeling the Malaysian sunshine on the back of his neck. It’s time to get back to business. He’s still getting used to travelling further than Europe - the flight itself was over twelve hours. Thankfully, Robin spent most of the flight asleep. It stopped him thinking about Ant, about what had happened in Beijing. He’d spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom, staring at his wingless reflection in the mirror, wondering why on earth Ant would pick someone like him to spend his life with. He had tried not to think about how warm Ant was against his skin, how good it had felt to rest his head against Ant’s shoulder. He had ended up eventually leaving the bathroom and returning to the table, only for Ant and Daniel to stop talking suddenly. Robin had swallowed the fear inside, tried not to worry that they were talking about him as he had slid back into the booth. He’d made a point to avoid Ant - to stay away from the Portuguese man and ignore the hurt glances that he was sending his way.

Robin sighs heavily as his bag falls from his hand and he takes in the sight of the skyline before him. He moves over to the enormous bed, allowing himself to fall into the soft sheets and feather-down pillows. Tiredness itches at his eyelids as he tries not to think about Ant, about those beautiful dark blue wings. But he’s pulled into a restless sleep - he dreams about Ant, about him glancing at Robin’s bare back with disgust. 

“How could I like someone like _you_ ? A forsaken? You’re disgusting, you are _nothing_ ,” Ant hisses, his eyes are dark.  
  
“I’m sorry-” Robin murmurs, trying to ignore the tears streaming down his face.  
  
“And you know, I thought you were just shy about it, I never could have expected _this_ ,” Ant looks at Robin with such disdain, he wants to disappear. He tucks his arms around himself, as he’s seen Ant and Dani do when they’re upset in an attempt to comfort himself but Ant simply sneers at the action. “You’re pathetic,”  
  
“It’s not my fault, I was born this way,” Robin says, tears falling down his cheeks.  
  
“You’re worthless, Robin. I could never love someone like you, someone so ugly-” Robin wakes up with wet cheeks, gasping out for air. He finds himself tangled in the sheets, sweat clinging to his body as he heaves for gulps of air. Robin bites back a sob as he catches sight of himself in the mirror, of his red, tear-stained face and his bare back.  
  
_Why would Ant ever like someone like him?_

* * *

  
  
Robin traipses into the paddock early the next morning - he’d tried to sleep but every time he’d closed his eyes, he thought about Ant, about his disgusted face. He wondered if Ant knew, if he would be angry and hurt at Robin’s secret. He rubs a hand over his face in an attempt to wake himself up - he’s so tired - it’s seeping into his bones. Robin hopes that he will be able to salvage something from the race.  
  
“You look tired,” A familiar voice pipes up from behind him.  
  
He stiffens at the tone - he knows that voice, the same voice that told him he was worthless and unworthy. Ant stands behind him, his ever-present wings settled along the expanse of his back. The sun catches on the blue feathers, making them look lighter. Ant’s face twists into a look of concern as he moves closer to Robin. Robin doesn’t move as Ant’s hand moves to ghost over his cheek. His fingers are calloused and rough against his skin.  
  
“Did you sleep? You look exhausted,” Ant’s voice is soft, concerned.  
  
“I-” Robin begins, feeling his cheeks turn red. “I was worrying about things-”  
  
“What things?” Ant presses, but he stops as Robin looks away, clearly uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry-”  
  
“It’s okay, guess I’m worried about the race I guess,” Robin says, worrying his lip.  
  
“You’re going to be fine,” Ant smiles.  
  
“Robin, have you seen my gloves-” A familiar voice blurts out and Robin stiffens as Ant snatches his hand away, blush staining his cheeks. Simona stands before them, arms folded with an interested expression on her face. Her rose coloured wings seem to gleam in the early morning sunlight. “Oh Ant, didn’t expect to see you here,”  
  
“Yeah, I was just seeing how Robin was-” Ant murmurs out, the blush still staying on his cheeks.  
  
Simona gives the Dutchman a knowing smile. Ant’s eyes turn to Robin. “I’ll see you later? Good luck for the race,”  
  
“Yeah,” Robin says, worrying his lip.  
  
Ant leaves quickly, his cheeks still red. Simona immediately turns on Robin with a raised eyebrow. “He so likes you,”  
  
Robin can feel his own cheeks turn red. “I don’t know what you mean, we’re just friends,”  
  
“For now,” Simona says, waggling her eyebrows. “You two would look good together,”  
  
Robin worries his lip. “Do you think I should have taken that line into the second corner? I think it was a little shallow- ouch!” He murmurs, rubbing his arm where Simona had lightly slapped him. “What was that for?”  
  
“You changing the subject,” Simona says, her eyes boring into Robin’s blue ones. Her rose wings ruffle slightly, as though they’re annoyed about something. “You don’t think you’d look good together?”  
  
“Can we not talk about that here?” Robin asks quietly. “I’m really not happy with the entire paddock knowing about my love life, or lack of it,”  
  
“Okay, okay,” Simona says, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.  
  
Robin smiles at her and disappears back into the garage. Simona casts her eye down the row of garages and wonders what is going on between her teammate and Ant.

* * *

  
Robin stands up on the podium with pride flooding his chest. He never expected to get third, certainly after he left the racing line and slammed into the barriers. But he’d recovered, stayed ahead of Stephane and was standing on the third step with the trophy heavy in his hands. He glances to the side of him - to where Sam stands with his lilac wings spread out behind him, massive grin on his face. Lucas stands in between them, his beautiful large black wings are splayed out as he clasps his trophy. Lucas’s wings suit him down to the ground - they match his hair, whereas, Sam’s are a little more strange to Robin. They’re a soft colour - but Sam embraces them, displays them for everyone to see.  
  
He can hear the cheers as Lucas pulls him into the top step, his arm curving over Robin’s shoulders. Robin tries to ignore the sound of his beating heart as the camera flashes go off in his face, tries not to worry about the lack of wings on his back. But it’s hard - he’s never been in this position before, with Lucas’s wing almost wrapped around him. He bites down on the inside of his cheek and the metallic taste of blood fills his mouth as the flashes continue to shower his face. Robin finds himself pulled away towards the media pen where the journalists lie in wait.  
  
“So Robin, that was an interesting race. Did you imagine you’d get third place?”  
  
“Not at all,” Robin says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was gutted to get third, I was really hoping for second but I am happy that I saved it and managed to keep third,”  
  
“And how did you manage to drive that car?”  
  
Robin worries his lip. “It was hard, the suspension was broken and I had to wrestle with the car into the corners but it was all okay in the end,”  
  
“And how was it to stand on the podium?”  
  
“Amazing really, I never expected to be in this position at the start of the race. It’s incredible that I’ve managed to get third and I want to thank all my team for all their hard work - it was great to stand next to Lucas and Sam up there,”  
  
“So when you were up there, we noticed that you didn’t show your wings, can we ask why?”  
  
Robin feels as though someone has thrown a bucket of ice cold water over him. “I-”  
  
“Do you not have any wings? Is that why you don’t show them?”  
  
Robin feels tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “I-”  
  
He feels cornered, like he doesn’t have a way out. His chest tightens at the prospect of the world knowing his secret, of his fellow drivers, of Ant - however, warmth suddenly brushes over his shoulder and the tall form of Lucas di Grassi appears into view, flashing a grin at the journalist. “Thought I’d congratulate this one for practically driving a rally car,”  
  
Robin feels the tightness in his chest relax ever so slightly as Lucas’s warmth burns into his arm, his wing slightly brushing against his back. The feathers are soft against the bare skin of Robin’s arm as he pastes on a smile and the journalist’s attention turns towards Lucas.  
  
“So how do you feel after winning that race, Lucas? Championship hopes still on?”  
  
“Most definitely,” Lucas says, not letting go of Robin’s shoulder. “This is a fantastic result for me and although I benefitted from other cars failing, I feel like I drove the best race I could. I had some problems with battery temperature but I managed to get past that,”  
  
“Could you have caught Lucas?” The journalist asks Robin.  
  
Robin hesitates for a moment. “For sure. If I hadn’t gone offline, we could have challenged for the win. But congratulations to Lucas, he drove a fantastic race and Sam took the opportunity of my accident to get a good result too,”  
  
“Lucas, are you feeling better about the gains in the championship after Sebastien’s failure?”  
  
“You always want to beat your rivals on the track, not on the basis of mechanical failures. But I am sure that he will be back in Uruguay, fighting for the lead,”  
  
“Do you feel your wings hindered you in any way today?”  
  
Robin freezes against Lucas and the Brazilian’s brow furrows at the question. “I don’t understand why you would ask that question,” He says, frowning. “When I am in my car, my wings are not important. They have no basis, other than weight, on how we choose to race,”  
  
“But surely if you didn’t have them-”  
  
“If I didn’t have them, I would still be an excellent race driver. They are hidden when I race. I mean, for goodness sake, Mika Hakkinen was the first wingless driver and he did okay for himself. He had to race with the extra weight in his car instead. You can be successful with or without them,”  
  
“Do you think there’s still a stigma attached to wingless drivers?” The journalist presses.  
  
Robin feels like he’s going to be sick.  
  
“Certainly not amongst the drivers,” Lucas sniffs. “As long as you can race, it does not matter to us,”  
  
“But there has never been a wingless driver in Formula E-”  
  
“Formula E is a relatively new series. I’m really not happy with your implications that this series is prejudiced towards wingless drivers. I have been involved with this series from the start and I can reassure you that when a wingless driver does enter Formula E, they will be welcomed with open arms,”  
  
“But what if-”  
  
“This interview is over. Myself and Robin have debriefs with our teams to attend, we do not have the time to indulge your questions about wings in motorsport,” Lucas says shortly, tugging Robin away with him from the journalists, still waving their dictation machines.  
  
Robin still is silent, his heart slamming up against his ribs.  
  
_What if they found out his secret? What if it was written all over his face?_  
  
He tries to force down the panic swirling in his chest, focuses on putting one foot in front of the other. Lucas’s arm is still draped around his shoulder, steering him away from the media pen. The Brazilian doesn’t say anything and for that, Robin is grateful.

* * *

  
  
Robin finds himself back in his hotel room, his wingless back resting against the cool wood as tears prick in the corners of his eyes. He’s worked so hard to ensure his secret stays safe for so long only for it to hang in the balance because of a few photos. He scrubs at his eyes in frustration as he sheds his Andretti shirt and his jeans - the layers are sweaty and suffocating and he’s glad to get rid of them and fall into the cold sheets of his bed. His eyes itch with tiredness, but the sleep doesn’t arrive.  
  
His thoughts keep swirling around in his head as he grabs his phone from the side table where he discarded it and flicks through Twitter. There’s some photos of him on the Formula E page - of him standing on top in the podium, next to Lucas and Sam - their black and lilac wings spreading out against the blue backdrop. He looks strange, almost alien, next to them - his back not displaying the wings that he should have.  Robin can feel the tears brushing against his eyes again as he buries himself into the thick duvet - it hurts. It hurts that he doesn’t have what they have. He scrolls through the messages underneath the photo and his chest tightens as he reads them - most are congratulating the three and commenting on how good the race was but there’s a few comments that make his heart stop.  
  
_Where are Frijns’s wings?_  
  
_Doesn’t @R_Frijns have any wings? Never see him with them on display!_  
  
_Beginning to think Robin Frijns has either bright pink wings to be honest!_  
  
_Are your wings really that embarrassing, @R_Frijns?_  
  
Robin tries to fight away the tears that build up in his eyes but he can’t. Eventually the dam breaks and he bites back a sob, the tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. He thinks only of his wingless back, how much he hates it - he wonders what his life would be like if he had wings, if he could unfurl them as he stepped out onto the podium. A vision passes by his blurry eyes - a vision of him standing on the third step in Putrajaya once more with wings behind him, spread out in victory. But the vision changes - the wings seem to disintegrate before his eyes, burning into nothing. He can spot Ant in the crowd, looking disgusted and his chest aches, his face burns red with embarrassment.  
  
He fists his hands into the duvet as the sobs build up in his chest, as he cries for something that he never had. He doesn’t understand why he’s seen as different, why he’s seen as inferior for something he doesn’t have. He pulls out his phone once more, typing in Mika Hakkinen through blurred vision. Robin bites back sobs as the wikipedia page opens on the small screen of his phone.  
  
**_Mika Hakkinen_ ** _(born September 28, 1968) is a Finnish former professional racing driver. He was the 1998 and 1999 Formula One World Champion. He is also famous for being born without the volare gene and is the only wingless driver to have won the Formula One Championship._  
  
Robin bites down on his lip. Although he knows that Mika raced in Formula One, he still managed to succeed. He managed to fight against every barrier, overcoming it to claim the success he deserved. Robin scrolls through the photos of Mika on the podium, his back as bare as his own. However, he still looks powerful standing in between Michael Schumacher showcasing his bright red wings and David Coulthard’s khaki ones. Robin wishes he could be like that, wishes he could be proud of what he doesn’t have. The phone slips from his fingers. Another sob ripples through him as he bites down on the inside of his cheek. He wraps his hands around himself as though to comfort but feels the bare warm skin of his back, not the feathers that he wants to feel. He eventually falls into a dreamless sleep, exhausted by the day’s events.

* * *

  
Robin is awoken by a soft knock on the door - as though the person is hesitant. He pulls himself free of his duvet, his brow furrowed as he listens again through the silence. It’s dark now - he’s not sure of the time - but the skyline of Putrajaya is illuminated against the dark inky sky. Another knock gently brushes against the door. Robin pulls himself out of his bed and pads over to the door, opening it softly. The sterile light from the corridor makes him blink twice before it settles on the figure before him.  
  
Ant.  
  
He looks different in the stark bright light and it takes Robin a moment to realise that Ant’s wings aren’t stretched out across the expanse of his back. Robin blinks again but Ant’s back remains bare and smooth. The Dutchman finds himself missing the beautiful dark blue feathers that usually adorn Ant’s back.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Robin asks, the words are like treacle.  
  
“I came to congratulate you on your win,” Ant says softly and Robin almost forgot about the trophy standing on the desk, glinting in the dim light from the window.  
  
“Oh-” Robin says, running a hand through his hair.  
  
Ant glances at him, soft worry in his eyes. “Are you okay?”  
  
“I-I’m fine,” Robin says, not really believing himself.  
  
“Can I come in?” Ant asks tentatively, as though he’s certain Robin will say no. But Robin merely inclines his head and steps to one side, allowing Ant to come into the room.  
  
“I saw your interview,” Ant’s voice punches through the silence as Robin closes the door. He feels his stomach drop at the words. “That was shitty what they said to you, it’s your right to show them if you want to,”  
  
Silence stretches out between the two for a moment.  
  
“Where are your wings?” Robin asks, breaking the silence, his hands clasped around his midsection in an attempt to comfort himself. “Did you-”  
  
“No, no, I had a bit of a twinge in practise, my right wing is aching at the moment so-” Ant says, worrying his lip. “Are you sure you’re okay?”  
  
“I-” Robin looks down at his bare feet. “I don’t think so,”

"I’m here,” Any says, taking a step forward. “I don’t mean like romantically, I mean as a friend-”

“Yeah,” Robin says, finding the words difficult. “I think I need that,”  
  
Ant nods once and allows Robin to slowly shuffle over to the bed, the Dutchman moves with slow exaggerated movements, sliding back into the rumpled sheets. He watches Ant carefully, almost in a guarded manner as the Portuguese man slowly pulls off his t-shirt.  
  
“Sorry,” Ant says, blush decorating his cheeks. “I’m really sweaty and-”  
  
“It’s okay,” Robin cuts in, trying not to stare too hard at the smooth caramel coloured skin of Ant’s bare back.  
  
It’s strange seeing it without the wings in place - there’s no sign of them underneath his skin, it’s smooth and soft looking. Ant’s jeans hit the floor as he tentatively approaches the bed. The silence stretches out as he slowly peels back the duvet and climbs into the bed, immediately folding his body around Robin’s. Any worry Robin has disappears as Ant’s spicy scent and warm skin curls over him - Ant’s calloused fingers slowly stroke over his arm.  
  
“Better?” Ant asks, softly.  
  
“Yeah,” Robin says quietly. He doesn’t want to speak, he just wants to lose himself in Ant’s touch. Ant seems to acknowledge this, only communicating through slow, soft touches of Robin’s arms.

“What is this thing between us, Ant?” Robin asks, hesitantly.  
  
Ant doesn’t answer for a moment but his fingers still on Robin’s skin. “I don’t know-” He begins softly. “I guess I just want to take things slowly...I don’t want to push you into anything-”  
  
“I know,” Robin says as he turns his head slightly to face Ant.  
  
He gazes into light brown eyes. Ant stares back, his lip caught between his teeth as though he’s uncertain. Robin slowly closes the gap between himself and Ant, his lips seeking out the Portuguese man’s. Ant’s lips are warm and slightly chapped, but Robin doesn’t care. They kiss slowly, almost sloppily, their lips meshing together. Robin feels a warm rush envelope his chest as a low moan spills from his mouth. Ant smirks at the sound, his lips slowly moving over Robin’s. They kiss for a few minutes, revelling in each other’s touch. Kissing Ant feels normal to Robin, it feels natural. He forgets about the lack of wings as his hands move to ghost over Ant’s bare back. However, the lack of muscle and feathers makes him stop short. He stiffens under Ant and pulls his lips away.  
  
“Robin?” Ant says through half-swollen lips, his half-lidded eyes fixed on the Dutchman still in his arms.  
  
“Sorry,” Robin says softly, worrying his lip.  
  
“We don’t have to do anything but cuddle if that’s what you want,” Ant murmurs, his brown eyes fixed on the man before him.

“No, I want this,” Robin whispers, moving closer to Ant once more. He licks his lips, his eyes moving to lock with Ant’s as he leans in and their lips fall into a kiss once more. It’s lazier this time, their lips slowly moving against each other. The only sound is that of their lips colliding, of small breathily moans.  
  
“Robin-” Ant murmurs, his hand slowly curling into Robin’s hair. Robin kisses the Portuguese man back, his tongue swiping over Ant’s lips in a sloppy motion. He forgets about Ant’s wings once more, focuses on Ant’s body against his own, how Ant’s fingers feel tugging gently at his hair. He deepens the kiss further as his hand dips across Ant’s body, enjoying the sensation of the tanned muscles against his fingertips. However, he’s so preoccupied with Ant’s lips, he doesn’t realise that his hand slips closer to the bulge in Ant’s boxer shorts. Ant groans against Robin’s lips, his body pushing against the Dutchman’s.  
  
“Fuck-” Robin murmurs, pulling his hand away. “Sorry, I didn’t realise-”  
  
“It’s okay,” Ant says breathlessly, trying to calm himself down. He smiles at the smaller man, slowly stroking over the dark curls. “It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything,”  
  
“Yeah,” Robin says, letting out a small yawn. The action makes Ant’s grin wider as he ruffles the hair behind Robin’s ear.  
  
“Sleep,” He whispers, the smile still clinging to his lips. His fingers continue to stroke over Robin’s hair as the blue eyes of his bedmate fight to stay awake. “It’s okay to sleep,” He murmurs, feeling sleep heavy on his own eyes as Robin goes lax, his breathing evening out as he slumps against Ant. Ant smiles down at the older man, his hand still gently stroking his hair as he watches Robin sleep for a few moments.  
  
“Goodnight,” He whispers with a smile on his lips.  
  
Sleep takes him a few moments later, the Portuguese man slumping against the sleeping Dutchman as the two men fade away into sleep. However, although Ant is asleep, his wings are not. They slowly rise out from his back, making the Portuguese man wince slightly as they’re jostled. The wings unfurl carefully, the wings shaking themselves in the humid air and Ant’s brow furrows at the action but he does not wake.  
  
The wings slowly move to curl around Robin, following the path of their owner’s arms still wrapped around the Dutchman. The blue feathers brush over Robin’s bare skin making him shiver slightly at the contact. One of the wings pauses for a moment before continuing, wrapping itself tightly around the sleeping man. Robin shifts further into Ant, a small smile on his face at the warmth spreading over his body. The skyline of Putrajaya shines through the window, silently.

* * *

  
Robin wakes up to the sunlight streaming through the window, his body covered in an extreme warmth. He blinks his eyes open, his gaze falling on the figure still asleep next to him. Ant is fast asleep, snoring softly into the pillow. However, something soft brushes at his arm. He glances down and spots a familiar shade of blue enveloping the duvet, feathers slowly moving against his arm. Ant’s wings are curled around him. Panic suddenly surges through him.  
  
Why are Ant’s wings curled around him? Ant had told him that they were hurt, why would they suddenly appear around Robin? Had Ant lied to him?  
  
The wings seem to sense Robin’s stiffness and attempt to move closer. The feathers are soft against his bare skin but they do little to comfort the older man. Had Ant lied to him? Did Ant feel pity for him? Did he know that he didn’t possess wings? The thoughts pour through his mind. Ant is still fast asleep, his breathing slow and steady against Robin. Robin tries not to think about Ant waking up, Ant trying to explain why his wings are wrapped around him. He slowly moves away from Ant, away from the warmth of the dark blue feathers. The wings seem to get upset at the sudden movement. They lurch slightly and a frown appears on Ant’s brow. Robin stiffens for a moment before he continues, slowly pulling himself out of Ant’s grasp.  
  
He breathes a sigh of relief as his feet meet the carpeted floor. He dresses silently, thankful that he packed his luggage beforehand and leaves the room quietly, Ant still slumbering in the bed. He climbs into a taxi, thoughts attacking his mind. Should he have left a note? Maybe Ant had no control over his wings? Maybe he knew nothing? But it’s too late.

* * *

  
Ant’s wings slowly curl back up once once more with Robin’s absence and the jostling action draws the Portuguese man from his sleep. He wakes up, confusion furrowing his brow as he glances down at the empty, rumpled sheets.  
  
“Robin?” He asks aloud to the empty room.  
  
There’s no answer. Ant rubs a hand over his eyes, pushing the sleep away with his brow still furrowed. Where was Robin? Where had he gone?  
  
He glances around the room, finding Robin’s suitcase that had been packed securely the previous night, gone. He wonders why Robin left. Did he have an early flight? Why did he leave without waking Ant up to tell him?  
  
Ant grabs his phone from the bedside table and checks through his notifications. There’s no messages from Robin. He quickly types out a message, leaning back into the soft pillows.  
  
_Where are u?_

However, as he places his phone down on the sheets, he spots something resting where Robin would have been laying. He picks it up and immediately, his chest tightens. It’s a feather - a dark blue feather - a colour he knows well. It’s one of his own feathers.  He worries his lip as he glances down at the innocuous feather grasped in between his fingers. Ant knew that mentioning wings was a soft spot for Robin - he wasn’t sure why and he didn’t want to press the Dutchman. He’d been telling the truth though, he’d jostled his wings earlier that evening whilst racing and they were sore.  
  
What if Robin thought otherwise? What if Robin thought that he’d done it on purpose?  
  
He looks down at the feather and worries his lip, hoping that Robin understands.


	6. part six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin and Ant finally reunite, after Ant has a bad weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter of the wing fic is finally finished. Thankfully, I can see the ending and all other plot points leading up to that and have a rough plan now. I flaked out on the sex, but maybe I'll add some sex scenes later. Robin's reaction to Ant's pole is slightly edited, but queen Simona revealed that Robin truly was a bit annoyed by Ant's pole! ;)
> 
> Edit by me, as always. A big thank you to Kim for cheerleading as usual and to Rae, who yelled when I sent her snippets of this. Enjoy! :)

                                                   

* * *

 

Robin doesn’t speak to Ant at all in Punta Del Este. They see each other a few times, lingering around their garages and in the canteen. But Robin is still embarrassed over how he left the Portuguese man and Ant is worried that he’s done something to upset Robin.  
  
Long Beach is as expected, sweltering warm. Robin tugs at his shirt collar and pushes his mirrored sunglasses further up his face. Punta Del Este hadn’t been too bad for Robin - he’d managed to snatch away a point, but Ant had ended up in sixth. He’s not sure why he always looks for Ant’s name first when he gets out of his car. Today is no exception. Robin climbs out of his car, feeling positive. He’d managed to get his car into the top two positions early on - which gave him a better chance at super pole.  
  
By the time the third group’s time had ended, Robin was still in P3 and felt like maybe today could be the day that he could break into Super Pole. He glanced at the timing screens as the drivers of group 4 were displayed. Any of the drivers there could be a threat but it was the last name displayed that Robin found his eyes drawn to.  
  
_Da Costa._  
  
Simona ribbed him time and time again for considering Ant as his racing rival, for being the one man whose time Robin checked after every qualifying session.  
  
Lucas takes first blood, squeezing his Abt car into P2, pushing Robin down into P4. The Dutchman worries his lip, maybe this was going to be more difficult than he anticipated. A few minutes later, Ant crosses the line, wrestling his Aguri into the P2 spot, shoving Robin down onto the bubble. Robin fiddles with his helmet for the closing stages as Heidfeld slots himself into P3, pushing him out of super pole. He waits a few more moments as the clock finally ticks down before he traipses back off to the Andretti garage. He immediately finds the coffee machine and brews himself a cup as the sound of an electric car fills the air once more.  
  
Robin can’t bring himself to be angry at Ant. He thinks about the small smile on the Portuguese man’s face, thinks about how warm Ant’s wings were as they tucked themselves around him. He tries not to think about the younger man, about how good he had felt in his arms that night. He glances up, only to find Ant’s name occupying the top position. He watches as Ant holds on, despite the fight that Sam attempts to bring.  
  
“You’re not going to believe who got pole,” Robin declares as he pushes his way into Simona’s garage.  
  
“You okay?” Simona asks, raising an eyebrow as she looks on playfully. Her arms are folded and her rose pink wings resting against her back.  
  
“He got _pole_ ,” Robin says, waving his arm towards the timing screens.  
  
“I can see that,” Simona replies with a smirk. “I guess you’re not happy about this?”  
  
Robin feels his ears turn red at Simona’s words. “No, no, it’s fine-”  
  
“You know, it’s cute the way you consider him your rival,” Simona says, grinning widely.  
  
“I-I don’t!” Robin splutters, feeling his cheeks turn bright red.  
  
“Sure, you don’t,” Simona replies. “You guys are so cute together,”  
  
Robin brushes off the comment and tries not to think about the last time he saw Ant, sleeping peacefully with his wings wrapped around Robin as though to protect. Robin tries not to think about the way Ant had looked at him that night, how he had gently smiled at the Dutchman and how their bodies had fit together. He doesn’t say anything else, but Simona gives him a knowing smile.

* * *

  
Ant gets his pole taken away. Robin watches as the announcement comes after post-qualifying scrutineering that Ant’s tyres have fallen below minimum pressure and therefore, he loses his pole position and is relegated to the back of the grid. Robin watches him skulking at the back of his garage. He looks slightly annoyed at the news - his arms are folded, his brow is wrinkled and his blue wings that Robin adores so much are folded neatly against his back. Robin wants nothing more than to enter the garage and to reassure Ant that everything will be okay but he’s not sure that his presence would be welcomed.  
  
The race ends up being one to forget for both Robin and Ant. Robin ends up tangled with Buemi after a ill-misjudged dive left him having to dive back into the pits to change his destroyed rear wing. He climbs out of the car after the race, biting his lip at the sympathetic pats and smiles from his team, before Simona pulls up, having picked up a couple of valuable points for the team. Robin smiles and congratulates her, pushing away the thoughts that he too could have contributed, had it not been for Buemi.  
  
Robin glances at the timing screens, only to find Ant lingering in P18. He furrows his brow - he was sure that Ant had been in the points for most of the race. But he spots the ‘RET’ note next to the Portuguese man’s name and his heart sinks.  
  
_What had happened to Ant?_  
  
He spots the Portuguese man in the media pen a few moments later - looking downcast with his cap firmly pulled over his eyes, his wings are neatly folded against his back.  
  
“Yeah, it was a bent track rod, so we had no choice but to retire-” Ant says quietly. “It’s not a great feeling as we were solidly in the points after having the pole taken away from us-”  
  
Robin focuses on his own questions, mostly about his contact with Buemi, and when he turns around to scour the pen for Ant, he’s gone. Robin searches for any trace of the bright blue wings but he finds none.

* * *

  
Robin hesitates at the hotel room door, worrying his lip. He wonders if he should even be here, if Ant would even want to see him. Before he can stop himself, he raises his fist and knocks gently on the door. He wonders if he should just leave, if his presence would even be wanted. As he fights with his thoughts, the door slowly opens and Ant comes into view. His eyes are red rimmed and he’s wearing nothing more than an old baggy BMW t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Ant asks, his brown eyes widening at the sight of Robin. His voice is slightly hoarse, like he’s been crying.  
  
“I- I wanted to see if you were alright after what happened today,” Robin stutters out.  
  
“I’ve been better,” Ant replies with a wry smile. “How are you holding up?”  
  
“Pretty much the same,” Robin says, worrying his lip between his teeth. “I just wanted to let you know that I-”  
  
“It’s okay,” Ant says quickly, looking down to his bare feet.  
  
Silence envelopes the pair for a moment.  
  
“A-Ant? Can I come in?” Robin plucks up the courage to ask, his eyes moving to land on the Portuguese man. He looks smaller somehow - his wings wrapped around himself tightly as though to protect himself from the day’s events.  
  
“I-” Ant says, hesitating. “I don’t know if-”  
  
“Look, I understand if you want some alone time, but you were there for me when I went through that awful stuff. I want to do the same for you,”  
  
Ant sniffles once before he crumbles before Robin’s eyes. Robin watches the younger man sob, tears running down his cheeks as his wings curl further around himself to comfort him. Without thinking, Robin moves forward and carefully pulls Ant into a hug. The Portuguese man’s head falls against the crook of his shoulder and Robin feels the dampness spreading across his t-shirt as Ant cries against him.  
  
He knows that Ant doesn’t want an audience as Robin slowly moves them both into Ant’s hotel room, kicking the door closed with his foot and allowing Ant to cry out all his frustrations. His hand slowly strokes over Ant’s back, the other brushing through his soft, fluffy hair as Ant continues to sob into his shoulder. Robin closes his eyes and pushes his feelings away, focusing only on comforting Ant, on providing the contact that Ant needs. Ant’s wings slowly curl around Robin, the soft feathers brushing up against Robin’s bare skin.

“I-I’m sorry,” Ant whimpers, finally pulling his head free of Robin’s shoulder. “I’m so pathetic,”

Robin feels the pain surge in his chest as he gently pulls Ant’s face up with his fingers. “Don’t apologise,”  
  
“But I-” Ant begins, staring at Robin with tear filled eyes. Robin thinks he looks beautiful, even in that moment.  
  
“You’re not pathetic,” Robin whispers as he leans in and slowly brushes his lips against Ant’s.  
  
The kiss is soft and slow, and Ant’s lips immediately open underneath Robin’s as they move against one another, a soft gasp brushing past Ant’s mouth. Robin’s hand moves once more to fist into the soft hair at the nape of Ant’s neck. He can taste the salt water from Ant’s tears against the tip of his tongue but Ant groans against him once more.  
  
“Oh, Robin-” He whispers, barely a breath against Robin’s lips. His hands move awkwardly against Robin’s shoulders as their lips connect, Robin’s slightly chapped ones rubbing against Ant’s softer ones. Ant’s wings continue to envelop the pair, humming slightly at the contact.  
  
Robin gasps out as his back hits the back of the door, Ant’s lips still covering his own. The kiss is still innocent, still only their lips touching one another - the only sound is that of their hurried breathing. Their bodies fold against each other like old friends, and it’s then that Robin feels Ant’s hardening cock against his thigh. His eyes widen as he rips his lips away from Ant. He catches the glance of hurt in Ant’s dark eyes for a moment.  
  
“I-I’m sorry,” He murmurs through swollen lips. “I’m taking advantage of you-”  
  
Ant shakes his head. “No, no,” He whispers back, his brown eyes locked on Robin. “I want this - I really want this-”  
  
“Are you sure?” Robin asks, holding Ant’s gaze.  
  
“Yes,” Ant says quietly, leaning in once again.

* * *

  
Ant’s lips find Robin’s once more as they move further into the room, his blue wings curling around Robin. They kiss slowly, carefully - almost as though they’re exploring themselves for the first time. Their noses bump against each other slowly, Ant’s hand moving to touch over Robin’s face. Their lips connect over and over again - it’s like a need, their hearts thumping in their chests as their bodies brush over one another, their fingers exploring. Robin bites back a yelp as suddenly Ant gently pushes him down onto his bed, cushioned by his wings.  
  
“Ant-” He whispers out against the Portuguese man’s lips, only for Ant to smile against his mouth, pressing him into the rumpled sheets. Ant grins against his lips, his hands moving slowly as though to map over every inch of Robin’s skin.  
  
“I need you, Robin,” Ant murmurs, his lips moving to slowly brush over Robin’s light stubble. Robin lets out a light gasp as Ant’s mouth nibbles over the sensitive, pale skin of his neck, arching up subconsciously against the taller man. “Wanted to do this for so long, wanted to touch you,” Ant continues to whisper against Robin’s neck.  
  
“A-Ant, please,” Robin whines out, shivering slightly as Ant’s teeth scrape against his neck. “You’re going to leave marks,”  
  
“Is that a bad thing?” Ant says, snorting against Robin’s neck, a light gasp of air dancing over the sensitive skin.  
  
Robin is about to answer, but Ant’s mouth sucks against his skin. Robin can picture it reddening under his lips, knows exactly that it will sit just below the collar of his racing overalls. It seems like Ant has done this before - Robin tries to ignore the thoughts that swirl around in his mind, that Ant is much more experienced than him, that Ant has done this to racing drivers before.  
  
“You okay?” Ant asks, pulling his mouth away from Robin’s skin.  
  
“Y-yeah,” Robin replies. “S-sorry,”  
  
“Don’t be sorry,” Ant says, gently. “If you don’t want this, we can stop,”  
  
“No, no,” Robin shakes his head. “I want this,” He says carefully, leaning in to press his lips against Ant’s once more.  
  
Ant responds to the kiss immediately - however, it’s a steady, soft and slow kiss. Their lips move against each other as Robin’s hands find their way into the soft feathers of Ant’s wings. Ant groans against Robin’s mouth as the Dutchman fists his fingers into the soft blue down underneath Ant’s long feathers. Ant falls on top of Robin once more, their bodies falling against one another. Robin accepts Ant’s lips with vigour, deepening the kiss slowly. Ant’s tongue moves out to brush against the crease of Robin’s lips, as though to ask for permission. Their tongues begin to tangle together, the only sound is that of their lips colliding and the shuffle of the bedsheets.  
  
Ant’s wings seem to ruffle as their kisses become more and more heated, their lips pulling against each other. Ant tastes like the fruit juice he likes to drink after a race, slightly of salt water from his tears and something else Robin can’t quite place. Robin strokes over Ant’s wings, slowly brushing his fingers through the soft feathers. Ant purrs at his touch, as he pulls away to tug away his t-shirt. Robin feels his mouth go dry as Ant’s muscular chest is revealed. Ant watches his gaze, his eyes fixing on Robin.  
  
“A-Ant-” Robin murmurs out as the t-shirt falls down to the floor before his lips are captured once more. Ant kisses him deeply, trying to possess every inch of him. Robin loses himself in that moment, closes his eyes and allows Ant to collide with his body. Ant’s fingers slowly drift down to the hem of his t-shirt and slide underneath. Robin immediately freezes against Ant’s fingers.  
  
“Robin?” Ant asks, pulling his lips away. “Are you okay?”  
  
“I just-” Robin hesitates. “I-”  
  
“It’s okay,” Ant says gently. “You can tell me,”  
  
“I never-” Robin begins, glancing down at the rumpled sheets.  
  
“You never did anything like this before?” Ant’s voice is still soft. His hand moves to stroke over Robin’s hand. “It’s okay,”  
  
“It’s not okay, it’s just- weird-” Robin says, still unwilling to look up. “I’m sorry. I understand if you don’t want to-”  
  
“Robin,” A hand brushes over his jaw and suddenly, he’s gazing into deep brown eyes. “Don’t apologise. I’m sorry, for pushing you into it-”  
  
“You didn’t,” Robin says, shaking his head. “I want this, I really want it to be _you_ ,” Robin continues, his eyes holding Ant’s gaze.  
  
Ant’s cheeks seem to redden at Robin’s words. “Why?” He seems surprised.  
  
“I’ve always liked you,” Robin admits. “And nobody’s ever really been interested in me-”  
  
“Which I don’t understand,” Ant says quietly, his finger slowly brushing over Robin’s cheek. “You’re beautiful,”  
  
“I-”  
  
“And so interesting-” Ant continues. “And if you want to, I would like to-” He says shyly, almost trailing off.  
  
“Yes,” Robin says, his hand curving over Ant’s slowly. He guides the other back down to the hem of his t-shirt. Ant glances at Robin carefully.  
  
“Are you sure?” He asks quietly, his eyes locked with the older man’s.  
  
“I’m sure,” Robin repeats, slowly pulling up his t-shirt.

* * *

  
Robin collapses onto Ant’s naked chest as they curl together underneath the sweaty sheets. He slowly brushes his fingers over Ant’s sweaty skin, drawing circles around and around as Ant’s arms curl around him. He smiles as Ant kisses his hair gently, almost sloppily, as he thinks about the rumpled sheets, about the experience they both had just shared.  
  
“You should sleep,” Ant whispers, yawning slightly as he watches Robin’s fingers trace over his skin.  
  
“So should you,” Robin says, biting back a yawn of his own.  
  
Ant hums slightly in agreement, pressing another kiss to Robin’s head. Robin leans into the touch, smiling slightly. Ant continues to pepper kisses over his hairline before he begins to slump against Robin, his breath evening out. Ant’s face becomes more lax and gentle in sleep and Robin smiles, thinking about the night they just shared. Ant had been tender and soft, almost gentle as he’d pressed Robin into the sheets, peppering his skin with kisses. He’d entered Robin slowly, carefully, taking his time and making sure that Robin was comfortable.  
  
Robin brushes his hand slowly over Ant’s chest, watching him sleep. However, the Dutchman is suddenly seized with a rush of pain over his lower back, spreading up towards his shoulderblades.  
  
“Fuck-” He murmurs under his breath, trying to fight through the pain brushing over his skin, wondering what on earth is wrong with him. Ant’s brow furrows in sleep as Robin tries to twist himself into a more comfortable position, the Portuguese man’s wings moving to close further around him. The lights of Long Beach continue to twinkle as the pain rolls over Robin, enveloping his entire back.  
  
_Wonder if it’s to do with win- no_. Robin shakes his head.  
  
They should have grown by now, he tells himself. He probably picked up a twinge from the race and now he’s relaxed, the pain has come forward. He allows his fingers to brush over the soft skin of his bare back for a moment before he sinks into a troubled sleep, the pain still plaguing him throughout the night.

* * *

 


	7. part seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ant misses a race. Robin worries it's because of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ant did actually miss the Berlin ePrix of 2016, due to DTM commitments. I really wanted to show a little more of the bond between Simona and Robin because I really loved their friendship together in season two so I hope that comes across. A big thanks to Kim as always, without whom this fic would not exist. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

                                      

* * *

 

Robin winces at the pain as his plane touches down in Frankfurt - the pain has been on and off for the past three weeks, ever since he and Ant had decided to stop fighting their feelings for one another.  
  
_Ant._  
  
Robin tries not to think about the Portuguese man. They’d ended up waking up that morning, curled up together in Ant’s wings. Robin’s lips had found Ant’s and they’d made out once more, their hands gliding over each other’s bodies. They had parted later that morning with Ant having media duties and Robin needing to take a flight back to Maastricht. They hadn’t really spoken since then. He finds himself thinking about Ant’s messy hair, about the way he smiled gently at Robin, about his sculpted body.  
  
However, another wave of pain seizes him and he bites back a groan - he knows he should go to a doctor about it, but he fears that they would stop him racing - so he keeps quiet, takes a few painkillers. The pain never seems to affect him when he’s racing, he figures it’s something to do with the adrenaline coursing through his body, but it still worries him. He pushes it to one side as the seatbelt signs turn off and the cabin fills with sounds of people moving around, unlatching themselves and grabbing their bags.  


* * *

 

  
_I’ve missed you. You already at the circuit?_   Robin types out, only to stare at the words on his mobile screen. He can’t say that he missed Ant - even if he did, it just sounds clingy and awkward. He’s still got no idea what it is between them. They’re not dating, they’re not together.  
  
What are they?  
  
Robin deletes the message.  
  
_You around today?_ He sends off, letting the phone slip out of his hands as he tries to get comfortable on the bed. He finds himself drifting off to sleep, his eyes suddenly heavy.  
  
Robin wakes up what seems like ten minutes later and checks his watch, cursing. He should have been at the circuit half an hour ago. Checking his phone, he spots a few missed calls from Roger and Simona as he grabs his bag and shoves his trainers back on. However, there’s no reply from Ant. Robin tries not to read too much into it, Ant could be busy with Aguri, his phone could have died. But there’s a thread of doubt weighing in his mind.  
  
What if Ant regrets what they did? What if he doesn’t want him?  
  
Another twinge.  
  
Robin grits his teeth as he climbs into his rental car, shaking his head. He can’t think of that, he needs to focus on the weekend ahead. He can’t afford to think of Ant. Robin arrives at the circuit and prepares to be chewed out by Roger. Simona smirks at him from the table, sending him a questioning glance.  
  
“Sorry, I overslept,” Robin says, rubbing the back of his head as he worries his lip.  
  
Roger’s lips quirk into a smile before he feeds Robin something about the importance of being on time. Robin tries to listen, but his thoughts are elsewhere.  


* * *

  
“So how was it?” Simona asks him as they begin the track walk - their engineers are grouped together, discussing something about the surface temperature.  
  
Robin’s brow furrows. “What?”  
  
“You and Ant, how did it go?” Simona says, grinning. “Did you fuck him?”

“Can you keep your voice down?” Robin splutters, turning bright red. “People will hear-”  
  
Simona’s smile grows wider. “You’re not denying it though. God, this is so cute - you and Ant-”  
  
“There is no me and Ant,” Robin says, shaking his head. “It’s not like _that_ -”  
  
“But you did - in Long Beach?”  
  
“It just...happened,” Robin says, pushing a hand over his face. “I don’t know why,”  
  
“Oh my god, I _knew_ it. That’s why you were totally spaced out in the briefing just now,”  
  
“I don’t know what it is yet though. It was just a one time thing probably, I don’t know-”  
  
However, the look on Simona’s face suggests she doesn’t believe a word.  


* * *

  
Robin didn’t see Ant at all on the track walk. He spotted the Aguri team but he couldn’t see Ant at all. He pushes away the anxiety that curls inside his chest - maybe Ant was stuck in a meeting with someone else or he was doing some interviews. However, he can’t shake the feeling away that something isn’t quite right. What if Ant is avoiding him? What if Ant doesn’t want him? What if he regrets everything?  
  
Robin traipses back to the paddock, heading towards the Aguri garage. He tells himself he wants to check if he is okay, but really he knows he just wants to see the Portuguese man. However, as he reaches the garage, something seems wrong.  Ant’s photo isn’t above the garage - the name says René Rast and Robin has to swallow down the anxiety curling around in his chest. 

Why isn’t Ant here? Was he kicked out? What had happened?  
  
He spots René in the garage - the garage that should be Ant’s - his unfurled light red wings on show as he talks to his engineer. Robin finds himself missing the beautiful bright blue wings of Ant. He thinks about going to see Ma to ask him - but they’re not exactly close and he doesn’t want to draw attention to the fact he’s asking about a fellow driver - a driver who isn’t even his teammate. He pulls out his phone to check if he has any new messages, but his screen is blank of notifications. Panic begins to seize his chest, the pains pushing through his back once more as he turns on his heel and jogs away from the Aguri garage.  
  
What if Ant knows about him? What if Ant had found out?  He doesn’t know where his feet are taking him, but he doesn’t care in that moment. Thoughts of Ant’s face - angry, disappointed, upset - push through the pain as Robin’s feet continue to move away from the garages. He wonders why Ant would ever want somebody like him - why the Portuguese man would ever want to be with him. Maybe now he’d got what he wanted he would move on?  
  
Robin feels pain rip through him as he falls down onto the concrete, pants brushing through his lips. Tears begin to form in the corners of his eyes and he wipes them away quickly before they fall, not wanting to admit he’s upset. However, a moment later, warmth envelopes him. He closes his eyes, not wanting to see the person as they wrap their arms around him, their wings following, the soft feathers brushing against his arm.  
  
“Robin,” A familiar voice murmurs out and Robin opens his eyes to see beautiful rose coloured feathers in front of him, Simona’s concerned face glancing at him. “What’s wrong?”  
  
Robin doesn’t say anything, the only sound is his sniffles as he fights back the tears. The wings curl in closer - they’re comforting. They’re not like Ant’s wings - but they still comfort him. “Is it Antonio?” She asks, quietly.  
  
“I- he- he’s not here,” Robin says, finally, hating how weak his voice sounds.  
  
“No,” Simona replies, calmly. “He’s got to do DTM this weekend instead,”  
  
“I thought - I thought he was embarrassed, that he didn’t want to-” Robin begins, sniffling.  
  
“Did he not tell you?” Simona asks, her hand stroking over Robin’s back.  
  
Robin shakes his head. “Why would he tell me? Why would he want someone like me?”  
  
“I could slap you right now, Robin Frijns,” Simona says. “Why wouldn’t he want someone like you? You’re brilliant, funny-”  
  
“Because I’m not like him,” Robin finds the words slipping from his lips. “I don’t have the thing he wants-”  
  
“What could you possibly not have, Robin?”  
  
“W-wings,” Robin finds himself blurting out. “I don’t have any wings,”  
  
Simona’s hand stops stroking for a moment. “Oh, Robin-”  
  
“I don’t want you to treat me any differently,” Robin splutters out. “I just...I never had them. I have the volare gene but they never grew-”  
  
“I know,” Simona whispers, stroking over Robin’s arm. “I knew for a while,”  
  
Robin stiffens. “What?”  
  
Simona glances at him. “It wasn’t anything you did. I just figured it out a month or two ago. I never told anyone and I never will. I never told you because I wanted you to tell me on your own,”  
  
“I...thought everyone who knew would treat me differently, you’d see me as nothing but a failure-” Robin murmurs. “I’ve been bullied all my life over it,”  
  
“Never,” Simona whispers back, stroking Robin’s back. “You’re an amazing driver and person, with and without wings. And I’d never treat you differently. Ant is a good guy, he would like you regardless of you having wings or not,”  
  
“Then why didn’t he tell me he wasn’t coming?” Robin says, glancing at Simona with tear-filled eyes. “Doesn’t he care?”  
  
“Of course he cares, Robin,” Simona says, her hand moving into Robin’s hair. “You need to talk to him… is there something more between you two than sex?”  
  
Robn hesitates. “I-”  
  
“Do you have feelings for him?” Simona asks softly.  
  
“Maybe,” Robin hesitates.  


* * *

  
“Congratulations on the points!” Simona says, raising her wine glass.  
  
“You too,” Robin replies, smiling at his teammate. They’d ended up in some little hole in the wall restaurant for dinner after the race to celebrate their success. It had been an excellent race for both of them - Robin finishing in sixth and Simona in ninth. The team were happy with the haul of the points they’d collected.  
  
“So can I ask you something?” Simona asks, with a smirk.  
  
Robin nods his head once. “Sure,”  
  
“What is Ant like in bed?” Simona presses.  
  
Robin spits out his beer. “Simona!”  
  
“What?” She asks, raising an eyebrow. “I’m curious,”  
  
“He’s…very experienced,” Robin says, feeling his cheeks turn pink. “He’s umm...very good,”  
  
Simona leans back on her chair. “Is he quite well endowed too?”  
  
Robin chokes. “Simona, I’m not answering that-”  
  
“It was worth a shot,” She says, shrugging. “I’d say it was a surprise about the two of you, but it really wasn’t-”  
  
“What does that mean?” Robin asks, confused.  
  
“Oh come on Robin, you’ve had a crush on him for ages. And he stares at you when you’re not looking. I was getting sick of you two pining over each other. I’d have locked you in a cupboard by the end of the season,”  
  
Robin feels his cheeks deepen red. “Were we that obvious?”  
  
“It was obvious to me, but I spend a lot of time with you,” Simona says, taking a sip of her wine. “I could see something going on between the pair of you but I wanted to see if you worked it out on your own. So what are you going to do now?”  
  
“I’m not sure,” Robin answers honestly. “I think we need to talk about what we want. We only slept together...I’m not sure if he wants more,”  
  
“He’d be stupid to not want you, Robin,” Simona says, shaking her head.  
  
Robin worries his lip, thinking about why Ant would want him. He doesn’t notice his phone lighting up by the side of the breadsticks, Ant’s name visible on the display.  


* * *

  
Robin collapses into his bed later that evening. He curls up in the sheets and finally glances at his phone. His brow furrows as he spots two missed calls from Ant.  
  
Why was Ant calling him?  
  
Panic seizes his chest as he glances at the display.  What did Ant need to tell him? Maybe something about the race? Why would he need to contact Robin? Maybe he missed him? Robin shakes his head. Ant didn’t miss him, he was probably calling Robin to tell him that it was fun and all, but it was over. However, he’s torn out of his thoughts by his phone suddenly vibrating against his hands. Ant’s name once more lights up the display.  
  
Robin’s heart slams against his chest as he reads the three letters, the letters that mean so much to him right now. He’s not sure if he should answer, if he wants to speak to Ant. However, before he can stop himself, he clicks the accept button.  
  
“Hello?” Ant’s voice is slightly muffled against the receiver. “Robin?”  
  
“Hi,” Robin says, his lip still caught between his teeth. “Sorry, I was out with Simona,”  
  
“It’s okay,” Ant says and Robin can hear the smile in his voice. He can picture the younger man lying in bed with his wings curled around him. “I watched the race highlights. You did a good job today, wish I’d have been there to see it but-”  
  
“How was DTM?” Robin murmurs out, turning in the sheets.  
  
“It was okay. Didn’t get in the points. But Dani retired so we ended up going out, I’m trying to drag him home now and get him all tucked up in bed-”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Robin can’t stop the words slipping from his mouth.  
  
“I-” Ant hesitates. “I didn’t want you to think I was avoiding you-”  
  
“I felt like that anyway, Ant,” Robin is unable to stop letting his emotions out. “I felt like you didn’t care, like you just left to get away from me-”  
  
“No, no, that’s not true,” Ant says, almost panicked. “I wanted to call you and tell you. But I was...scared, Robin. I was scared that you would think I was a coward. I was under contract to DTM and I thought they’d already told you. I - I’m sorry,”  
  
Robin is silent. “And I didn’t regret anything,” Ant continues. “I didn’t regret a thing we did together. I - I wanted to do more, I wanted to see you again in Berlin but-”  
  
Robin feels his chest bloom with warmth at Ant’s words. “You w-wanted to see me?”  
  
“Of course,” Ant whispers. “I can’t wait for London, I want to see you again,”  
  
“Why?” Robin asks, shifting slightly.  
  
“Because I- I’m not sure-” Ant admits. “I think that I-” He begins, only for Robin to gasp out in pain as a ripple of discomfort passes through his back. He’d been fortunate not to be affected in the race or at dinner - Simona would have worried - but it returns, stabbing into his shoulder blades and radiating down. “Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah,” Robin gasps out. “Just a knock I think, I’ll be okay,” He bites down on his lip to stop himself groaning out again. “It’ll be fine,”  
  
“Wish I was there with you,” Ant whispers after a moment. “I want to be with you...I mean like there with you,” He says and Robin can picture him worrying his lip, cheeks red.  
  
“I wish you were here too,” Robin says quietly.  
  
“Kinda wanna kiss you right now,” Ant admits softly.  
  
Robin’s hand fists into the covers. “Y-yeah?”  
  
“Yeah,” Ant replies. “Really want to kiss you again,”  
  
“I want to kiss you too,” Robin bites out, his cheeks turning bright pink.  
  
“Really?” Ant teases. “Maybe we should kiss in London then,”  
  
Robin bites back a yawn. “Maybe we should,” He says.  
  
“You should sleep,” Ant’s voice is soft again, almost fond.  
  
“But I don’t want to stop talking to you,” Robin admits, his tone slightly whiny. “I don’t want you to go-”  
  
“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep,” Ant says gently.  
  
Robin smiles, his eyes growing heavy as Ant begins to tell him about the things that he and Dani had ended up getting up to that day before he finally falls into a deep sleep, helped by Ant’s soothing voice. Ant hears Robin’s light breaths against the receiver and smiles gently.  
  
“Goodnight, Robin. I love you,” He whispers, before he hangs up and tries not to think about London, looming large before them. 


	8. part eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robin and ant reunite at the london eprix. robin still struggles with the pain, and with his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a big thank you to rae and kim, without whom this chapter would not exist. i love you both.

Robin feels his brow furrow as he slowly awakens from his sleep. His lower back twinges with pain, as it has been doing for the past three days. He shifts slightly, gasping as the pain shoots through his skin. Robin finds his phone wrapped amongst the duvet and sheets that he’s curled himself into, noting that his last phone call was from Ant. He can’t stop the smile that brushes over his names as his eyes brush over the sight of his name on the display.    
  
London is cold as expected, despite the promise of summer. Robin shivers in his thin hoodie, instantly regretting not packing a thicker coat. He leans against the side of the window, sleep still clinging to his eyelashes as he listens to Simona talk to their manager. It’s a conversation he’s too tired to partake in. He feels his eyes slide shut, lulled by the warmth of the car and the sound of the gentle conversation at the side of him. 

He dreams of Ant, of the smile brushing across his lips, of how good he made Robin feel. The pain ripples over the lower half of his back, making him gasp out at the sensation. He’s still none the wiser as to what the mysterious pain that is plaguing him is - he’s reluctant to go to a doctor for fear of disclosing his status.    
  
“Robin? You okay?” Simona’s hand should feel gentle against his skin but instead it feels like knives. He feels the pain ripple over his shoulder, pushing down towards the small of his back.    
  
“Yeah,” His smile is forced.    
  
“You should really see a doctor about your back if it’s still causing you problems,”   
  
“I’m fine,”    
  
“Fucked Ant a bit too hard?” She smirks at him, rubbing at his shoulder.    
  
“Simona- no-” Robin says, feeling his cheeks burn red at the thought. They haven’t done anything since that night in Long Beach, they haven’t been able to - not with him in Maastricht and Antonio in Cascais. “We haven’t since...you know,”   
  
“You didn’t fly out after Germany?” Simona presses, raising her eyebrow.    
  
“Wasn’t sure if he wanted-” Robin trails off, worrying his lip. “Me,”   
  
“You’re an idiot, Robin. Of course he does,”   
  
“I thought I heard him say he loved me-”   
  
“When was this?” Simona asks, her mouth dropping open.    
  
“When he phoned me after Germany. He stayed on the line until I fell asleep and I’m not sure if I was dreaming or not but I thought I heard him say he loved me-” He pauses as Simona gently taps his shoulder. “What was that for?”   
  
“Not telling me these things. God, you two are so stupid,” She says, shaking her head.    
  
Robin looks away, his eyes finding the passing trees as he worries his lip and tries not to think about what Ant had said, tries not to think about seeing him again for the first time in weeks.    
  


* * *

  
But he does catch a glimpse of Ant in the driver’s briefing, a flash of the light brown hair that has turned golden in the Portuguese summer sun, the bright smile as he engages in rapid fire Portuguese with Lucas. Robin tries not to glance at him, tries to focus on the race director as Simona sits at the side of him, smirking. 

“You should go talk to him,” She says softly, after the meeting is brought to a close.    
  
“Why would I do that?” Robin asks, playing with the tie of his hoodie.    
  
“Because you spent the entire meeting staring at him-” She says, following his gaze to where the sunlight is catching the blue tones of his wings, curled up along the length of his back.    
  
“Did not,” Robin says, sighing heavily as he tears his gaze away and begins the walk back to the garage. However, Simona follows him, the only sound is that of their boots scraping against the concrete.    
  
“I don’t get it. You obviously like him too,”   
  
“You’re reading too much into this, Simona,” Robin shakes his head as he glances up at the ominous clouds curling through the London sky. “It’s just….messing around,”   
  
“You’re so full of shit,” Simona ribs with a grin. “Besides, you might be seeing more of each other next season,”   
  
Robin raises an eyebrow and is about to ask her what she means, but she disappears back to her own garage before he can question her further.    
  


* * *

  
Robin has another two races to forget - the first of which he ends up tangled with Daniel, and the second, he’s simply in the wrong place at the wrong time - Loic squeezing him into the wall and leaving him no space. He feels the curses tear from his lips as he hears the crunch of the metal as his Andretti scrapes against the wall.   
  
“I’m sorry Robin, P-0,” His engineer’s voice rings out in his ear and he bites down on his lip as he wrestles himself out of the car. He sighs as he walks away from his wrecked car, towards the shouts of the marshalls, their wings illuminated in the rare sunshine.    
  
Robin manages to capture a glimpse of the screens as he traipses back into the garage, wrenching his helmet from his sweaty hair.    
  
_ Da Costa, P8.  _   
  
There’s a bitter taste in his mouth at the text - he knows he should be happy for Antonio, be happy that he’s doing well but two retirements on the last race weekend are hard pills to swallow. He ends up holed up in the motorhome, face pressed against the pillow of his bunk, trying to ignore the sounds of the cars zipping past the garages. The twinge that had disappeared during the race returns with a vengeance, blossoming over his shoulder blades and descending down his spine, hovering over his lower back.    
  
He closes his eyes, biting down on his lip at the shock of pain running through his lower body and tries to ignore everything that it means.   
  


* * *

  
Robin is woken up what seems like a few hours later, his cheek pressing against the lumpy pillow of the bunk that constitutes a bed, by a quiet knocking on the door. Brow furrowed, he pulls himself out of the bunk and over to the door.   
  
“Simona, I told you-” He pauses halfway through his sentence as his eyes take in the sight of Ant standing before him, his bright blue wings glittering in the sunlight. He’s come straight from his car - his light brown hair is sweaty and ruffled, his overalls tied in a knot over his waist.    
  
“You’re not Simona,” Robin says softly, trying not to stare at the soft feathers draped over Ant’s back, at the muscles straining against the thin fireproofs.    
  
“Not last time I checked,” Ant says, with a smirk.    
  
“What are you doing here?” Robin asks, biting his lip.    
  
“I wanted to ask you out to dinner,” Ant blurts out, his dark eyes fixed on Robin.    
  
Robin opens his mouth and closes it again. He knows he should say no, but he can’t. His eyes meet the warm chocolate ones of the Portuguese man. “Please, Robin,” Ant says softly. “I have big news to share with you,”   
  
Say no, say no, Robin thinks, his eyes dancing over the blue feathers still gleaming in the sunlight. “Okay, I guess so,”   
  
“You won’t regret it,” Ant says with a wink before he slinks away, hands falling into the pockets of his overalls. Robin watches him leave with something twisting at his chest.    
  


* * *

  
Robin sighs and stares at himself in the mirror - he’s opted for his skinny grey jeans, his chunky grey cardigan, nothing special he tells himself, it’s not a date. He worries his lip as he stares at his reflection, at the absence of the wings behind him.   
  
_It’s not a date. Ant would never want a freak like you. It’s just a dinner with one of your friends._

He should cancel on Ant, he should try put some distance between them - after all, Ant hadn’t told him that he wouldn’t be in Germany. Robin shakes his head, tells himself again that it’s just a dinner, a dinner with a colleague he happens to have slept with - He sighs heavily, pushing his phone into his pocket and exiting his hotel room.    
  
Ant stands up to greet him at the restaurant, all wide white grin, matching the tight white t-shirt that clings to his biceps. “Robin,” He says with a flash of teeth, beckoning Robin to take the seat opposite him. His wings are tucked away in a neat light down his back, but Robin catches the light blue feathers glistening in the dim lights of the restaurant. “Wasn’t expecting you to come,” Ant says, filling up Robin’s wine glass.   
  
“Well, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me, if you regretted, you know-” Robin begins, trying not to stare at Ant’s tanned hands, as he picks up his own wine glass.   
  
“It wasn’t like that, Robin. I just didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know if you wanted to see me again,”   
  
“Of course,” Robin cuts in. “I mean, look at you-” He gestures half heartedly at Ant. “And look at me, I mean-”   
  
“I don’t follow,” Ant says, brow furrowed in confusion.    
  
“Well, I just thought- like you’re  _ you _ and I’m just-”   
  
Ant places his wine glass down on the table. “Just?”   
  
“Just Robin,” Robin feels his cheeks turn pink at his own words as Ant raises an eyebrow.    
  
“Well, just Robin,” Ant says, scratching the back of his head. “I wanted to apologise...for Germany,”   
  
“You already did,” Robin replies, worrying his lip. “I’m sorry-”   
  
“No, I’m sorry,” Ant cuts in. “I’m sorry I never told you, I just...I guessed that you didn’t want anything to do with me after what happened,”   
  
“No, it wasn’t like that,” Robin shakes his head. “I- I liked it,”   
  
Ant’s brown eyes seem to gleam amber. “You did?”   
  
“Ant, c’mon-” Robin feels his cheeks heat up once more and he reaches for his wine glass. “Stop playing dumb,”   
  
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Ant says, leaning back in his seat with a grin.    
  
“Antonio-”   
  
“I’m coming to Andretti next year,” Ant blurts out, and Robin just knows that it wasn’t what he wanted to say. “I was supposed to stay quiet about it but well-” A flash of white teeth. “You know me,”   
  
“You’re at Andretti with me next year?” Robin repeats, his eyes widening. He thinks about the implications of that - of having Ant near him next year, wondering if things will change. “I thought-”   
  
“I signed the contract a few weeks ago,” Ant says as their food arrives, his eyes never leaving Robin. “I felt bad about never telling you about DTM, so I wanted you to hear the Andretti news from me,”   
  
“It’s okay,” Robin says, picking up his knife and fork. “I get it, you felt awkward about the whole thing between us,”   
  
Ant puts his fork down. “No, I didn’t feel awkward. It felt...good,” His foot moves to rub against Robin’s ankle, slowly, with intention - Robin freezes at the contact but Ant just smiles at him.    
  
Robin worries his lip. “Oh?”   
  
“Yeah,” Ant says softly as he smiles at the Dutchman. “It felt really good,”   
  
Robin tries to busy himself with his spaghetti, blush still painting his cheeks.    
  


* * *

  
Ant insists on walking Robin back to his hotel from the restaurant when the heavens finally open up and the atypical British weather showers down on them. Robin tightens his cardigan around his lithe form, preparing for the fat, wet raindrops to hit them - but they never come. He glances up to find Ant’s enormous wings stretched out over their heads, protecting them from the raindrops. Ant is warm against him, and Robin smiles as he feels the feathers brush against the inside of his arm.    
  
“Thank you,” Robin says, worrying his lip and hoping that Ant won’t comment on the fact that he’s not using his own wings as an umbrella.    
  
“Didn’t want you to get wet,” Ant says, grinning back as a raindrop falls from one of his wings, the water turning the bright blue wings dark as they saturate with water.    
  
The walk is fairly quiet - the only sound is that of their trainers squeaking against the wet asphalt and of the rain hitting Ant’s feathers. They finally come to a stop outside Robin’s hotel and duck under the awning, Ant’s wings shaking themselves of the excess water. Robin can’t keep his eyes off them - they look so beautiful in the dim lighting of the lobby, the feathers are sticking out at different angles and dark with rainwater, but they still provide a beautiful contrast against Ant’s tanned skin.    
  
Ant catches Robin staring and smiles at him, his hand brushing through the wet feathers as they shudder. “Guess I’ll need to use the hairdryer to get them dry tonight,” He comments, his fingers slowly moving over the bright blue feathers.    
  
“Why don’t you come to my room and warm up?” Robin finds himself saying.    
  
Ant’s fingers pause through their grooming. “What?”   
  
“You’re shivering,” Robin says, glancing at Ant’s wings. “At least come up to my room and dry yourself off,”   
  
Ant smiles and follows the Dutchman wordlessly.    
  


* * *

  
Robin is quiet and apprehensive in the elevator up to his room. He wordlessly pushes the keycard into the slot and steps through the door, beckoning Ant to follow. Ant stares around the room, smiling slightly at the mess that Robin has already managed to make in the few short days they’ve been here. His trainers and racing boots are a jumble on the floor next to his half empty suitcase -  a set of his racing overalls lay crumpled on the rug and the contents of his toiletries bag are strewn across the dressing table.    
  
“Sorry it’s a mess,” Robin says, glancing around the room. “I wasn’t expecting company,”   
  
“It’s fine,” Ant says, shaking his wings once more to dispel some of the raindrops that have been dripping down over his back.    
  
“I’ll get you a towel,” Robin says, moving towards the bathroom.   
  
“Another shirt wouldn’t go amiss either,” Ant replies, slowly pulling his wet t-shirt away from his body as Robin disappears out of view. “I’m sure you have a shirt that fits,”   
  
“Ant, I’ll have to -” Robin appears, clutching a fluffy white bath towel with reddened cheeks. “You took your shirt off,” He mumbles, eyes roving over the tanned skin.    
  
“It was wet,” Ant replies, his gaze fixed on the blush on Robin’s cheeks as he moves forward to accept the towel. Their fingers brush for a moment before Robin looks away, the redness still clinging to his cheeks. Ant smiles and begins rubbing the towel over his wet body and wings, the feathers shining brightly in the hotel lighting.    
  
Robin can’t keep his eyes off the gleaming water on Ant’s tanned chest, on the tiny droplets dripping from his wet wings.    
  
“Like what you see?” Ant’s voice cuts Robin out of his daydream and he snaps his eyes back up to the Portuguese man’s face. Ant laughs as he sees Robin bite down on his lip and his cheeks redden further. “I’m kidding, Robin,” He says, rubbing the towel over the long blue feathers. “I meant what I said on the phone by the way,”   
  
“What?”   
  
“About kissing you in London. I want to kiss you,” Ant says, dropping the towel to the floor, his eyes fixed on Robin.   
  
“I-” Robin feels the words die on his tongue as Ant moves closer, his eyes locked on Robin’s.  Robin lets out a deep breath he didn’t realise he was holding as Ant’s hand gently moves to cup his face.    
  
“If you want to kiss me,” Ant whispers, staring into the blue eyes.    
  
Robin nods once, not trusting himself to speak as Ant closes the gap between them, his lips brushing against Robin’s. They’re soft and warm - as is Ant’s chest, Robin discovers, as his body pushes up against tanned muscle. Ant smiles into the kiss, his tongue slowly moving over Robin’s lips. Robin kisses back, the taste of Ant - of cinnamon and sweat bursting over his tongue, smiling as Ant’s still-damp wings move to curl over his shoulders.    
  
“Missed this,” Ant whispers against his mouth. Robin moans in response, his hands moving to twist into the fluffy hair at the nape of Antonio’s neck. He tugs on the blonde-brown strands, eliciting a groan against his lips as Antonio guides him over to the bed, tucked up in his wings. Robin barely disconnects from Ant as they fall onto the bed, the Portuguese man above him, his wings stretching out, his torso still slightly wet from the rainwater.    
  
“Ant-” Robin murmurs against the Portuguese man, smiling as he feels Ant pepper soft, small kisses over his cheek and down his jawline, Ant’s stubble rubbing against his smooth skin.    
  
“Mmmm,” Ant mutters, making a small sound of approval against Robin’s neck. “I wanted to do this the entire time I was at DTM,” He nips at the soft skin, his lips brushing against the sinews of Robin’s neck as the Dutchman gasps out underneath him. “You’re wearing too many clothes,”   
  
Robin opens one eye, staring up at Ant. “What?” He asks, taking in the sight of white teeth, tanned muscles and his wings, looking almost jet black in the dim light.   
  
“Too many clothes,” Ant repeats, smiling as his warm hands gently slide Robin’s cardigan away. Robin shivers as the cool air hits his skin and finds his gaze focusing on Ant’s wings.  _ What if Ant sees his bare back? Expects to see his wings?  _ “Antonio-” He begins, only for a wave of pain to crash through his lower back, making him go rigid.    
  
Ant immediately stiffens. “Robin? What’s wrong?”    
  
Robin bites down on his lip as the pain that has been plaguing him of late returns with a vengeance, making his body twist and contort underneath Ant’s concerned gaze. “It hurts-”   
  
“Robin?”   
  
“My b-back hurts,” Robin manages to spit out between clenched teeth.    
  
“It’s okay,” Ant says, his voice calm and controlled. “Is it your wings? Maybe you could let them out?”   
  
Despite the pain, Robin feels a wave of panic rush through his body. “No, no, just backache, I’ll be fine in the morning, I swear, I swear-”   
  
“Robin, just calm down,” Ant’s voice still sounds calm, but Robin barely notices, his thoughts flickering between Antonio and his lack of wings -  _ what if Ant knows? What if he knows that he’s damaged goods? That Robin is a freak? What if he never wants to see Robin again? What if - _   
  
“Robin!” Ant’s voice pierces through the veil, more urgent this time. “Robin, please,”    
  
But Robin ignores it - Ant’s voice is a mere blur against his thoughts, only focused on Ant’s disappointed face, on his eyes full of judgement as Robin tells him he has no wings, imagines the hurtful words that flow from Ant’s mouth -  _ freak, wingless demon, why would I ever want you? _ __   
  
“Robin!” Ant’s voice comes again, this time almost panicked. Robin suddenly feels warmth curl around him, aware of strong, warm arms wrapping around him. He breathes out slowly, blinking as the veil of panic clears. He’s pressed against Ant’s chest, the Portuguese man’s fingers stroking against his upper bicep. Robin glances up and meets concerned hazel eyes. The blue wings he loves so much are tucked away and Robin tries not to pretend that it’s for a particular reason.    
  
“Robin?” Ant’s voice is soft, calm.    
  
“I’m sorry,” Robin mumbles, biting his lip. “I’m sorry-”   
  
“Don’t be sorry,” Ant whispers back, his fingers lightly tracing over Robin’s skin. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about,”   
  
And Robin believes him in that moment. He moves closer into Ant’s touch, his face brushing against the warmth of the Portuguese man’s chest. He dozes off to sleep against Ant, the younger man’s hands tracing shapes onto his skin and the pain that plagued him earlier gone.


End file.
